The curious case of the Unbitten Nails.

I'm a nailbiter from way back. For as long as I can remember I've chewed those suckers right down until there was nothing left but ugly stumpy fingers.

Sometimes I was conscious that I was doing it, other times I would have no idea until I looked, and noticed that yes, I had managed to keep those poor little buggers 'trimmed' right back.
They tried to grow, oh how they tried...and sometimes a millimetre or 2 would spring up while I wasn't looking-making a break for freedom, only to be gnashed back into place with anxiety fueled biting. I wasn't proud of this awful habit, in fact my hands were always permanently curled up to hide my awful looking nails-or lack thereof.

I did manage to grow them for my wedding, it was bloody hard work too and took some serious willpower, it was more the unconscious biting that was hard to keep in check. But I did it, went and got my first ever manicure and they looked long and beautiful and I unashamedly had photos taken of my hand with my wedding rings.
I tried to keep them long after that day, I really did, but a stressful day here and there,an anxious feeling, or a chip in a nail that begged to be 'straightened out' by my teeth, and they were once again a sorry bunch.

I've always been a nervous-habit kind of girl, and for as long as I can remember I've been quite an anxious sort of person too, shy and a chronic worrier.
I worried about what people thought of me all through school, I worried about failing, about not fitting in, about not succeeding. I also worried about dying a lot-about the car/train/plane I was travelling in crashing, that I would almost certainly get skin cancer because I got sunburnt on the weekend, that I would get bitten by a shark while out in the surf.
Even my parents noticed that I was a chronic worrier, and my dad who had been through his own battle with depression and come out with some new outlooks on life- would give me books with titles like 'How to stop worrying' and 'say No without feeling guilty'. (Not feeling I could say 'no' to people when I didn't want to do something came with the territory of worrying about what people thought of me and if I was a nice enough person)

The whole worrying thing hasn't completely ruled my life...but I often feel like maybe I might have taken some more risks without it, maybe played some more team sports without feeling the crippling fear of making a fool of myself or letting the team down, or tried some new things without the fear of getting hurt....I don't know. I think a little bit of fear is healthy, but I feel like my fears held me back from doing things that I may have really enjoyed.And from just being myself.
Things have changed a lot since I met G almost 10 years ago and we've done quite a bit over those 10 years-he's a confident person who doesn't care what anyone else thinks-it's one of the things that first attracted me to him, and I think some of that has definitely rubbed off on me.

But I can still get a bit anxious and fearful, and the nail biting has continued.....UNTIL NOW....
You see a curious thing has happened this year. I'm currently sporting a pair of long healthy looking nails, and I have no idea how it happened. I looked at my nails about a month ago and noticed that the cheeky buggers had managed to sneakily grow a couple of millimetres each without me noticing, and instead of putting them back in their rightful place....I haven't touched them since.
The weird thing is that this SHOULD be one of the most stressful times of my life. My mum has cancer which we're still waiting for results on, and I'm doing fertility treatment which has had all sorts of obstacles over the past few months.....and yet I've somehow curbed a lifelong habit that has gone hand in hand with stress and anxiety...without even knowing it.

I think the point of this whole post is that things feel different this year. Last year I felt pretty angry most of the time, that we had drawn the short straw and were having to go through all of this IF stuff and it just wasn't fair.
This year, even though lets face it- it's been a shit year so far, I feel strangely calm about everything.
Maybe it's because after all of those years of worrying....some of my greatest fears are staring me right in the face- Infertility and Cancer, and I'm realising there's nothing I can do about any of it, that life still goes on, that bad things happen to good people and it's awful but we just have to keep going-there's nothing else we CAN do.
I think my lovely long nails are somehow very symbolic here but I will let my mums own words end this post. When I proudly showed her my nails last week, she looked at me with a big smile and said "look at how far you've come".

Day 43....is not to be!....YIPPEE

Yes!!!AF has arrived in full glory, bearing gifts of awful cramps and terrible skin.
I'm smiling through gritted teeth, pain is my friiiiend. Pain means I can finally get on with FET round #2, lets see if we can get this one right now shall we?
And maybe G will finally get some bedroom action once AF is over-poor fella, when you have been thinking that AF is going to arrive in the next hour-for the past 2 weeks....well lets just say the gate has been locked and chained with a padlock.
Last night I managed to stave him off with an invisible force field of Tea Tree oil on my face(for my bad skin)Anytime he zoned in for a kiss he was thrown back by it's powerful wave of Camphoraceous force.(yeah I might have googled that word...)

Actually he's been very patient, and he also thinks he's now an honorary Fertility Specialist, as his theory was that my AF would arrive on day 44 (so only one day off-not bad!) the 16 days that I was taking Progynova, PLUS my normal 28 day cycle = 44. Smarty pants.

The nurse phoned me back this morning and said they will phone next week to let me know when the blood test will be, and that it's normally day 16/17.When I asked if they would do one earlier this time she said they will look into it....but I get the feeling they're not going to change much.
But after fretting about it a little bit, I've decided I'm NOT going to worry my way through this cycle, if there's one thing I should have learned by now it's that I simply cannot control any of this. Who's to say even if they keep things the same, that it won't work brilliantly for me this time.
No more worrying, I'm sick of worrying, and I'm sick of thinking worst case scenario.

So now I really need to get back on track with healthy eating and exercise. I'm not one of those people who is too stressed to eat during difficult times, instead I develop an insatiable hunger for all things naughty. I feel like I've managed to absentmindedly snack my way to an extra layer of insulation recently.And I've missed all my gym classes the past 2 weeks too.
So no more lollies or coffee or wine, and I've just made a big pot of Thai Pumpkin&carrot soup to start me off nicely, or quite possibly turn me a nice shade of orange, I'll let you know.

Just want to say a huge thank you to my blog buddies who have left comments of love and support recently-I REALLY appreciate it, and I'm sorry I have been a little slack on the commenting lately so will do my best to catch up!

Day 38, very very late....

So yesterday wasn't the best day at first, when I wrote that post I think everything had caught up with me, and I suddenly felt exhausted. I have had really wacky dreams lately-I've been waking up most mornings for the last couple of weeks and saying to G "I just had the weirdest dream" some are scary and some are just plain bizarre.A dream interpreter would have a field day I'm sure!

We had visited my mum on Saturday and although the surgery went well, she obviously wasn't herself as you would expect and it was hard to see her like that...and she has been feeling quite panicky and anxious. I visited her today and she seemed so much better and was able to explain to me about those panicky feelings- she said it freaked her out to know that her reconstructed breast is actually her tummy(they used her tummy to reconstruct it) and that it felt all numb-it must just be the strangest feeling I reckon and it would make me feel panicky too.
I went on my own today to see her and it was nice actually, we chatted lots and went for a very slow walk down the corridor and back and I just hung out a bit and I did a bit of room re-organizing for her and helped her put her compression stockings on etc- we joked about how it was good practice in case I ever needed to put little stockings on any kitties in my future veterinary career. It felt like my mum was back again.

So now I'm on a mission to get life back into order again. I mentioned in my last post how I find it hard to DO anything at times like this...I spent all day yesterday aimlessly trawling on the internet and reading without taking anything in. But I actually have work to do and a rather messy house to clean and I need to get myself together and start doing it!

G has been lovely and very understanding, it's kind of an unspoken agreement that seeing as I really only work part time and from home, that I should be doing most of the housework-but I certainly haven't been lately and he hasn't once complained, and has picked up the slack for me. He even got me breakfast in bed this morning before he went off to study as I woke up knackered and couldn't drag myself out of bed.

Oh and I can't believe it's Day 38 of my cycle today, I got a little excited yesterday when I thought I detected the faintest spot of colour ever imaginable and felt a little crampy again...but once again, nothing today. I feel quite calm about it now, but lately I have just had waves of wistfulness wash over me, I just need to be pregnant, I need to have a baby soon, I need something good to happen, and it would be rather helpful if I can move to the next cycle and start being a little proactive again.
 G's theory is that my cycle length will be 44 days- the 16 days of Progynova taking, and then with an additional 28 days added to that, he could be onto something there but I guess time will tell!

Things I have learnt recently...

* you can convince yourself you're okay and laugh your way through things, and then realise that the subconscious grinding of your teeth, strange Deja-vu episodes, vivid and horrible dreams and the no-show of your period are perhaps related to the events of the past few weeks.

*That it's very strange and a little scary to see your mum in a hospital bed-pale,exhausted,feeling panicky, and without her usual spirit.

*That when confronted with stress, I can't ignore it by keeping busy, instead I find it almost impossible to do work that I know is waiting for me.

*That your good friend you have known since you were 4, will only send a txt about the cancer 2 weeks ago when you tell her about your mum, and then won't mention it again the next time she txts...or ask how your mum is since then.

*In turn, the girl who does your waxing will txt you often to see how you are, and offer unexpected support and friendship-knowing how you might be feeling after her father was diagnosed with cancer last year.

*That even thought there is a chance for this to get worse, I can't quite confront that scenario in my mind yet.

*That a hell of a lot of stuff can go down in 2 weeks, cancelled FET;s, cancer diagnosis, devastating earthquakes and tsunamis, and it's hard and also confusing to put things into perspective.

*That you can feel a little guilty for still having your FET on your mind with everything else happening.

*That your first bottle of red wine in a very long time is absolute bliss when shared with your husband.

*That you can find amazing support from strangers, blogger buddies, forum and email buddies-Thanks guys:)

Day 33.......

I'm on day 33 now....still no period. And I'm still saying to G every night that "tomorrow it will be here!" But alas, I've been stood up by my own AF.
Left sitting at a restaurant looking at other happy women with their AF's, while I sit alone swirling my non-alcoholic grape juice with a straw, with an unopened box of tampons in my bag and a uterus that can't handle the pressure.
I have stopped running to the bathroom a thousand times a day to check now, my period enthusiasm has gone, I'm a hardened woman now, it's time to move on and start living again....
Yeah okay that's all a bit dramatic, really i'm just going to have to wait it out.

I have enough other things going on to distract me this week as it is...unfortunately not the good kind. My mum has been back and forth to appointments and scans this past week, I went with her to an MRI scan last week, which found other areas of cancer growing throughout her breast- so she's having it completely removed and reconstructed.
We weren't sure when her sugery was going to be until she was suddenly rung this week and they have an opening for this Friday!So it's suddenly all very real- and I can't imagine how scary it must be for her, although at the moment I know she's just on autopilot and throwing herself into the organizational side of it, I just worry about how she will be after the surgery as I think it will suddenly hit home for her.
I try not to think about worse case scenario too much, but I do have the worry in the back of my mind that what if the cancer has spread, as they need to still properly check her lymph nodes which I think they do during the surgery.
It just seems to have grown so fast- mum knows it has as she was monitering this strange lump from the start and it literally just doubled in a month-and now that we know there are other areas too in that breast it does worry me.
But I know I can't dwell on that too much until we know anything for sure so I will quash those thoughts for a while and stick with my 'everything will be fine and dandy' frame of mind.

 My older sister and I are getting together this afternoon to make my mum a 'hospital dolly', out of calico and with little clothes to dress it up like my mum. And then we are making a pair of big detachable boobs, and making a little bag for dolly with a smaller pair of boobies that she can swap them with.
It might sound very strange but my mum will love it, and my sister and I will have fun doing it-we both have a bit of a strange sense of humour!

So with all of this to occupy my mind hopefully AF will sneak up on me and then it's all systems go!

The girl who Cried Period.

Okay seriously where is my AF?
I'm nearing the end of day 28 now....which is my normal cycle length before IVF messed it all up....but quite a bit longer than my last few 25 day cycles.
I've done everything on my 'bring on your period' list...I even did a HPT which of course was negative. (what with our tiny chance of conceiving and the fact that I was doing a medicated cycle which supresses ovulation it was a fair stretch but I thought it might jinx AF into arriving)
G's excitement at a possible Day 1 has waned now and he's bored with my excited predictions-it's been 4 days of me saying to him 'ooh I have proper cramps-tomorrow is Day 1 FOR SURE'...so now I'm the Girl that Cried Period and when it really does come he's not going to believe me.
I have a few theories as to why AF is not here yet. One is that my Ute is traumatised after having it's FET cancelled and is refusing to co-operate until there's an embryo in there-I appreciate the protest on my behalf but it really isn't helping our case....or maybe the pills from this cycle have severely disorientated my Ute and it doesn't know which way to shed it's lining....or it's just plain broken. Someone call a mechanic my ute won't start.

Cutest pic of a mechanic I could find...y'all know I like cute stuff! It's Peppa Pig!

Auntie Ants' Advice....

Auntie Ants' surefire ways to bring on your period.

1. Select a pair of brand new white undies from your drawers and wear them on the day you wish your AF to appear.

2.Book a romantic weekend away and fervently pray for your period not to arrive the first day.Your prayers will not be answered.

3.Book a brazilian for the day you would like it to arrive.

4.Take a pregnancy test-this is guaranteed to bring on your period within 10 minutes.Make sure you have convinced yourself you are pregnant first or this will not work.

5.Tell friends about how you think this might be your month, and list all of your possible pregnancy symptoms. Take a bathroom break 5 minutes later and hey presto!

6. Book a swim session at your local pool-make certain it is on the busiest day of the week.If you really want to guarantee AFs arrival-choose a time when the mum&babies swimming lessons are taking place.

7.Organise a 'Fright Night' in order to scare your uterus out of it's lining.Suggested dvd's are 'Hostel', 'Saw' and 'From Justin to Kelly'

8.Tell your Uterus you're taking it shopping for a new lining-that lining it's wearing is so last season.

9.Send yourself a pretend pregnancy announcement text. Your period should arrive within the hour.For best results make sure it includes the lines 'we weren't even trying!'

10.Head away for a day trip to a remote island whilst on your OE in Ireland. Make certain you have no pads, tampons or even tissues, and also make sure there is a serious shortage of toilets on the island. (true story-arrgh!)

11.Have sex while eating a hot curry and bouncing on a swiss ball all at the same time....oh wait-that's for bringing on labour.What the hell it's worth a try.

*Disclaimer*Auntie Ants takes no responsibility for any underwear ruined, nor for any uncontrollable urges to throw your remote at the TV while watching 'From Justin to Kelly'.

Update....Ants has now tried all of her own suggestions including flying back to Ireland, and hot curry sex on a swiss ball(not recommended) and still no AF. Any other suggestions most welcome as she would really quite like to start her next FET. Thanking you in advance.

The Big C

2011-What the fuck.

I wrote a few posts back about the Christchurch Earthquake and how my mum had been there when it happened...she made it home safely thank goodness....and then found herself thrown headfirst into a new challenge. On Friday she told us she has just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. She had noticed a mass in her breast had grown larger while she was away in Christchurch and so decided to have it checked out last week...she had an ultrasound and biopsy and it was confirmed that it was stage one cancer-she had had a mammogram only back in November but apparently this particular kind is hard to pick up so luckily she noticed the change herself.
 They have caught it early thank goodness-but she is meeting with a surgeon tomorrow to discuss treatment options-she will either have a partial mastectomy or if there is a risk of them not getting it all-she's prepared to have a double mastectomy and reconstruction-this will all be happening over the next few weeks we think.

I was completely shocked when she told me....cancer has always been this huge fear for me-but to actually hear my mum say she has it really threw me. She told me yesterday how she was so suprised at how I have handled the news so far though-she thought I would have been distraught over it, but I think my immediate thought after the news had sunk in, was that she would be okay. I think I find it hard to process things fully when I don't have all the information though too-so I don't feel like I can fully understand it all until we find out tomorrow what and when her surgery will be.My mum is quite a trooper and we are a close knit family(I have 2 sisters also) and I think the fact that mum and dad have been so open about it all so far has helped, keeping the humour alive has also helped- mum has been teasing dad about how it's taken her getting cancer to finally get him to do all of those odd jobs around the house that have been put off for years-he was a busy man this weekend!

I guess in a way, the cancelled FET has been a bit of a blessing in disguise- my embryo transfer had been scheduled for around 10:30 on Friday-which is just about the time that mum told us her news-and we were keeping transfer day a secret so she wouldn't have known either.So it would have been a bit much for me to handle and I would have felt extremely stressed out that day.

This time around I will be keeping mum up to date with what's happening and when our transfer is as I know she wants to be a part of it all and I just hope that we have some exciting news to give her in about 4 weeks time.

I really can't believe this year so far-I had such high hopes for it and it's certainly been challenging- not just for me but for family and some special friends too who have had disappointments lately.
All we can do is keep charging through these brick walls that keep popping up in front of us and hope that behind one of them is our happy ending.

Uteri love chocolate

Right. I'm moving on from stupid cycle that didn't eventuate.Thank you all for your lovely comments and outrage on my behalf! Now if you could just all form a group and rock up to my clinic with me with your best menacing looks then I'm certain that my next cycle will be verrrry different!
Never underestimate the power of Uteri combined .
I have been pondering what the plural of uterus is lately-as one does-and it is in fact Uteri....and it's now my favourite word-useless fact of the day. And if all of our uteri were together maybe they would be called a herd of uteri.Or a flock.

Yesterday morning I woke up and was very close to giving up on the gym in the face of cycle cancellation, and instead sinking into a mire of chocolatey sugary goodness and hibernating under my duvet until CD1. But I made myself go, pumped some iron....okay pumped isn't the right word-more like puffed some tiny weights, and I feel pretty good now.

I may or may not have also eaten the better part of a block of peppermint chocolate last night....I'm like a child when it comes to the confectionary aisle at the supermarket.As soon as I turn the corner I'm giddy with excitement and sneaking furtive glances at G to gauge where he currently is on the treat-o-meter....we're on a bit of a budget lately and as all willpower is lost when it comes to me and sugar I let him take charge of my treat destiny. If he charges past and says we don't need treats this week, I sulk like a 5 year old and then once I've managed to get far enough away from the magnetic pull of the lolly aisle I decide that he is in fact right, and I really don't need the extra sugar. If he stops and peruses the selection of chocolate I mentally high five myself and know that I'm in!Yesss!
Of course the disappointment of a cancelled cycle also makes a very good case as to why I really need that chocolate,and disappointed Uteri love chocolate too.

So today I'm CD 18 and hoping I have another short cycle which would mean only one more week until my next Day 1-and then I get to start all over again.And I have been practicing my best assertive voice to use with the clinic, instead of my usual squeaking 'whatever you say oh master of thy fertility'.
It's Game On, I WILL have a Christmas baby dammit!