My glass is half full....of bubbles :)

I can't say the last week with Christmas and all has been absolutely perfect.
For the most part it's been great-but I've had my moments, I've felt angry, pissed off, been jealous and definitely overly sensitive at times. And I was going to do another 'annoyed' post at all of the injustices of infertility and have good old moan about a few of the more difficult moments of the past week.

But today I've been feeling good, really good, and I feel like a page has been turned.
I'm not sure exactly why and I sure hope it lasts, but I have read a few posts and thoughts from other bloggers lately that have sure made me think and re-evaluate, I'm sure they'll realise where I have taken inspiration from in their posts and I'm thankful to them for that.

A few people have spoken about how much negative emotions or negativity from other people can affect you greatly and that has definitely got me thinking about how some of my thoughts lately are surely detrimental to the cause-what embryo is going to want to burrow into a uterus that doesn't even feel 100% that it's going to survive?I've been feeling so worried that it's not going to even survive the thaw so really I'm not even giving them a chance from the outset.
I've always thought I will be positive once one of our embryos is put back in, but I think I need to start my positive thinking now so that this potential little baby of ours knows I'm rooting for it from the start (please ignore that terrible pun!)

To put it quite simply, I think I need to just get over myself for a bit. Stop obsessing day in and day out about infertility and the things I don't have....yet. Because big G and I will have children one day, hopefully next year but realistically we just don't know when, and it's time to stop putting everything on hold and start living again,and enjoying life,even if it's not quite the life I have imagined.

A couple of friends have mentioned relaxation and self-hypnosis downloads recently too which I thought was a great idea so I've gone ahead and ordered&downloaded a recommended one to my Mp3 player to start listening to tonight. Even though I'm feeling good at the moment I just want to keep myself on the right track for our FET.

And I'm also going along with my best friend to her midwives appointment tomorrow, normally this might have me feeling anxious, but when I got the txt from her today asking if I would accompany her, my immediate reaction was delight,and to be honest I feel priveleged to have been asked! My friend has been such an amazing support for me on my journey and I'd really like to give the same support back on her pregnancy journey. So I guess that topped off my realisation today that things feel different all of a sudden...and it's all for the best.

So I shall be toasting my new 'glass half full' philosophy tomorrow night with a glass half full...of bubbles,(okay lets be honest-it will be full and it wont be the first one) and toasting to a New Year full of excitement, joy, and the promise of good things to come.

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year!

Officially Zumba-fied

Last Thursday I finally made a plan to get back to the gym and actually followed through with it. Not only that, but I chose a class I've never done before-Zumba!
I've heard how wonderful Zumba is for ages but I'll admit it, I can be a bit of a cynic sometimes and can take a bit of convincing to get into the latest craze And also I get really nervous about these things so had to really gear myself up to go.
Well I LOVED it! Yup officially a Zumba fan here folks, I can see what all the hype is about now. It was quite a big class but people of all different shapes and sizes, and they had such awesome music, had even thrown in a bit of NZ dub, and a Bollywood style song complete with all the moves, it was awesome!
And then I was in such a good frame of mind, and not feeling too knackered, so I decided to do the next class which was aptly titled 'Bums and Tums'. Quite a contrast to the zumba class, and my Bum&Tum sure got a hammering but it just felt so damn good to get my body moving and doing something again.

It's amazing how you actually look at yourself in a different light after doing exercise. I have been looking at myself lately and have just been seeing yukness-and someone who has put on a few kilos after IVF. Straight after those classes when I could actually feel the muscles I had worked, I could look in the mirror and I felt way better about myself, and fitter. even though I hadn't made any visible difference to my body yet.

So I think that set me on a good roll to get through Christmas, and it was a great day,big G and I stayed at my parents house for a few nights over Christmas, and my 2 sisters were there too so it was just a small family day, lots of nice food and lots of chilling out. I even started reading a non-infertility related book! My sister recommended I read 'the Hunger Games' the first book in a trilogy, I wasn't sure I'd like it as she said it was a bit gruesome in parts and I hate horror kind of stuff, but it was easy to read and I actually did like it, can't wait to read the next one now.

So now I'm on holidays until the 10th jan, and then after that only a week of work left before I'm out on my own in the world of self employment eek! I'm hoping I'll have some dressmaking jobs lined up soon, already I don't know what to do with myself!It's quite hard to learn to relax and give yourself some time off so I'll be working on doing that today,in my new sun lounger I got for Chrissy! :)

Tick tick tick

No I don't mean the ticking of the biological clock, I mean ticking things off my list from my last post.

I'm now officially HAPPY!

I finished my sewing jobs, AND one of my customers gave me a bottle of wine to say thanks!

Tidied the house...well still a little way to go there bit hey, it's a start!

And lastly some major retail therapy today, and bargains at that!

I was at Glassons today where I found some new black skinny jeans to reign in my muffin top that has been spilling over the edge of my old ones (damn you IVF and all of your eggy bloated glory), and up at the register I was informed that if I spent another 5cents I could get a free gift, a choice between gift card or jandals-well screw the gift cards cos you can never have enough jandals!
Given that 5 cents isn't actually legal currency in new Zealand any more I settled for a $20 top.
I was then informed that if I only spent another $5 I could get another of the same top, so I basically spent 10 minutes running back and forth to the counter, being offered another deal every time-do I feel conned?Heck no, I feel that I took advantage of some marketing magic and scored some big time bargains!

I also bought a dress, and did the rest of my Christmas shopping. I usually NEVER have successful shopping days (trying to find clothes and shoes when you're 6ft 2" is not rated a happy shopping experience)

So bring on Christmas, I am officially a happy chappy again, and I have just eaten approximately 10 Cointreau truffles that I made this afternoon, so I am also marginally high on sugar and Chocolate.And I'm sure the teeniest tiniest bit tiddly-it only takes a teaspoon of Cointreau when you haven't drunk alcamohol in a while.

PS-please no one mention the 'forgotten' thing on my list, exercise-I just didn't have time okaaaay?

Happy ICLW.... :)

I have seen a few others do a sort of intro post for any ICLW'ers stopping by so thought I'd do the same!

Husband(big G) and I have been ttc since February 09, we found out after 9 months that we were dealing with severe MFI and ended up being put on a waiting list for IVF/ICSI (we were lucky enough to get a government funded cycle-we're in New Zealand, the waiting list can be up to 20 months though!)

We've just gone through our first IVF antagonist cycle this month, I ended up having 20 eggs removed and because of this they said they would freeze and embryos we got to reduce the risk of OHSS for me.

We ended up having 6 fertilise, but only 2 went on to become 8 cell embryos which are now frozen and waiting for us until the end of January!

I never thought I'd be here, never thought we'd be infertile, but I have to say some positives have been big G and I becoming way closer (sometimes too close if you know what I mean, most fertile couples don't have the need to discuss all manner of bodily fluids, nor do they need to help their husbands get in the mood for a 'special' moment with the specimen jar...) but seriously, I think if you make it through infertility together, you can make it through most other things that are thrown your way!

And also I have met the most amazing  women along the way, different ages and different walks of life, but all with the common heartache of having trouble conceiving. I have shared the most intimate things with these women , we have laughed, cried, and celebrated together, and I have never met most of them! They have kept me sane and I'm so grateful.

ICLW is an awesome idea and I look forward to reading and sharing others' blogs!

I need to snap out of it.

So today would have been blood test day if I had had an embryo transferred, and I just feel like it would have worked if we had been able to do the fresh transfer. Maybe that's just first-timers naivety I don't know, but I feel like we would have been in for a good chance.

Now that it hasn't gone as I would have liked it to,(In a perfect world of course...) I still can't seem to pull myself out of the negativity well. I feel pretty good for a day or 2 and then I sink back into this woe is me frame of mind. I've never felt this crappy around Christmas time before, it's just not me, I need to get my happy back.

I really don't feel that I have all that much to feel woeful about though, I mean, we didn't get a BFN, we have 2 supposedly nice lookies frosties waiting for us, so why am I still feeling crappy? And I can't even blame it on the drugs anymore!

I think there are a few things I need to do to snap out of it,and I'm going to write them down right now so I actually DO them!

1.Tidy my house.I'll be honest, it's a major 'sty at the moment,and I always feel better when it's tidy.

2.Finish my sewing work, I have 2 dressmaking jobs that I have put off for so long, I just need to knuckle down and do them dammit.

3.Do some exercise...I really really need to, I feel so frumpy and yuk at the moment which isn't helping the cause, also just need to start getting back into it before FET as I think it will help.

4.Retail therapy, I do actually really need some summer clothes, and new clothes always make you feel better right?

I think that's all for now,and I guess to make a start I need to get off the computer, so I'm going to, and by the time I return my house will be tidy and my sewing work done. And then my next post might be a little happier.And to make this post more interesting, cos it's really boring, I'm going to add a cute photo...

                                         

"Oh Christmas treeee"

After my not-so-great day on Friday, I have had a slightly better weekend although AF definitely had a firm grip on my up and down moodswings!
Saturday was spent Christmas shopping with my mum and one of my sisters, and although I felt pretty perky, I was not in a tolerant mood for anyone pushing a pram or sporting a beautiful blooming pregnant belly. And baby stores were passed with an unwavering stare ahead.

I'm actually usually okay with pregnant women, babies, and baby stores, in fact I spent the day after egg collection with my mum and a baby she was looking after for a friend, and I coped pretty well. And it's not that I'm holding a grudge towards anyone with children, especially as I realise when I have my own one day other people may be looking just as wistfully at my own belly or child.

It's just that every now and then, especially when you have your period as a stark reminder of what you don't have for another month (and even more so when it's after you've just done an IVF cycle with the intention of becoming pregnant) , it just plain hurts to see so much of what you want so badly yourself. Lets be honest, it's pure and simple jealousy. I want a baby, I want a pregnant belly, I want to feel the excitement of Christmas with our own child.

Today was a much better day despite constant rain, and I've managed to get some Christmas spirit back.
I'm even making my own Christmas mince pies for the first time ever!It's something I've always wanted to do but I've usually been so busy at work before Christmas. So I have the fruit mince made,I improvised a bit with Cointreau as we had no brandy or rum, but it tastes so good, and then will do the pastry bit tomorrow.

And I also decorated one of big G's indoor plants up as a Christmas tree, it sure aint no pine tree but it looks ever so festive!
I did it as a suprise for him while he was at work, thinking this could go either way, and then sat underneath it and wrapped some timsel around my head, intending on singing 'Oh Christmas Tree' as he came in the door, but we both just ended up pissing ourselves laughing when he came in and I couldn't sing for laughing so much, so it went down well anyway!

Oh, Angry Crying Fit how I have missed you so......

After having left me alone for a few blissful days I thought perhaps you had gone for good,at least until after Christmas would have been nice.So imagine my suprise when you return with a vengeance this morning, along with your friend Irrational Grumpy Arse.

Yes this morning after big G asked me (nicely) if I could please wake him the next time he sleeps through his alarm...(long story but I thought that maybe he wanted the extra sleep which is why I didn't wake him...) I completely overreacted and huffed off to my sewing room to do some work, without having breakfast-just so's to emphasise my displeasure at this irrationally perceived meanness by big G. After he had left for work, choosing to ignore my blatant show of grumpy-arsed-ness, I then proceeded to have a crying hissy over.......NOTHING.
20 minutes later I'm a box of fluffies and proceed to breeze through the rest of the day, complete with a visit to my beloved at his work.Go figure.

I was just starting to feel that all of the effects of this IVF cycle were leaving the building, my belly has shrunk back to a manageable small pot, rather than a crockpot, and my ovaries have stopped complaining every time I have a pee.And then after today's episode I'm wondering what the heck's going on....

All questions are answered when I realise that the IVF fairy is not only going to grant me 20 eggs and no embryo transfer to show for it, but also SUPRISE, a 22 day cycle just to keep me on my toes.
Yes I knew my cycle might be out of whack a little but 6 days shorter than usual is a little more wacky than I had anticipated.

Oh well at least AF will be done and dusted before Christmas and I can start to get back to normal, it would be nice to be able to sleep on my stomach again without having to protect my insanely sore boobs with a pillow, and if my skin- which is akin to a spotty adolescent boy- could return back to normal well then bonus.

Just seems a little weird to be getting AF now after IVF-it kind of just feels like I've gotten a negative result, when in fact there's just no result.

A blankie for my frostie

I think I'm going to learn to crochet and start making one of my frosties a blanket.I think I need to do something to force my mind into thinking that yes, one of those little balls of cells is going to be an actual baby.
There's always a fear of being TOO positive, for fear of the fall from a great height if it doesn't work out. But I feel that if I don't start getting into a good frame of mind and thinking of them as real possible babies, then maybe those uncertain vibes will somehow transfer to those frosties and they wont want to stick around.
And if it doesn't work out well it's going to be devastating no matter how positive I am that it will work, and I know that one day I will use the blanket-whether it's for these 2 little icepoppets, or future icepoppets.

So a crochet blankie it is, I should add that I haven't the foggiest idea how to crochet,but I am pretty crafty in general and I've had this damn blanket idea floating around my head since we first started ttc and now that I've got a bit more time up my sleeve I think I need a mission.

I have lovely visions of me serenely crocheting in my chair, with faraway eyes and dreaming of my baby to be. But I think that realistically it will be a tangle of knots and swearing and general crotchety crochet frustration.I can't wait...:)

Ode to my Husband :)

*warning...this post contains 'lovey dovey' themes, if you do not wish to read about such goo, then don't read on!*

I love my husband.

I love that he doesn't care what others think of him, and I hope a little of that rubs off on me.

I love that he has a conscience, and he cares about the environment so much.

I love that he makes me laugh, in fact, he cracks me up, we crack each other up. And I love that we can make light of the tough stuff- our new thing is making up infertility themed lines to any song that's playing on our way back from the infertilty clinic!

I love that when we're walking-anywhere, he can name virtually any plant or tree I point to, the latin and the common names.

I love that he likes bugs, and now I can't bear to kill a spider anymore cos I know he'd disapprove!

I love that he absentmindedly doodles on his hands and the phonebook when he's on the phone, mostly little robots. We even have a little blue robot permanently inked into our white sheet where he fell asleep with his hand pressed against it!

On the subject of robots he will also break out the robot dance at parties sometimes, only after a certain threshold of drunken-ness has been reached though.I like this too.

I love that he will walk with me holding my hand, or sometimes with his arm around me.

I love that when he finds something that interests him, he puts his all into it, he's a fantastic surfer, kayak fisher, skater, ukelele player, and a number of other things that he's had obsessions with over the years.

I love that he's not too afraid to speak up, whether it's asking questions or complaining about bad service.

I love that it's so easy to imagine him with a baby or child of his own, he's going to be an awesome dad someday :)

I love that even though he loves to eat meat, he quite happily eats vegetarian with me almost every night of the week.

I love that he has passionate opinions on what he thinks is right or wrong...but he's not too proud to change his views if someone presents another side to the argument that he agrees with.

I love that he makes me cards for every Birthday, Christmas, or Anniversary, and yes-they all have robot figures on them!

I love that all of his friends are so different, in ages, personalities,girls or guys, I think that says a lot of good things about his own personality.

Most of all I love that he loves me back just as much!

Miss Pre-conception 2010

Yes I think we should all be receiving awards for flouting the recommended pitiful 3 months of folic acid. Instead we are so organised we have been preparing our bodies for YEARS-Boo-ya!

I have run out of folic acid this week and as I ordered some more, I realised this must be my 8th repeat of those 3 month supplies. I'm sure I must have a black mark against my name at the pharmacy now "possible folic acid addict, on her 8th repeat and NO baby"
Those teeny bottles should come with a warning "conception is NOT guaranteed on your first night of sex after 3 months of taking.With the exception of all of your super fertile friends."

In fact not only am I prepared for conception, I've even been preparing for when the actual baby arrives. The baby bouncer I scored over 2 years ago for a bargain, the rocking chair that is gathering dust in our room( I don't feel inclined to rock in it myself until there is a baby in my arms) the pile of fabric I've collected to sew baby things, the names we have had picked out for so so long. We know what brand of cloth nappy we want to use, the exact pram we want,  how we want the nursery decorated....
Then lets add to that the 2 years of virtually no coffee, no alcohol in the 2ww-and sometimes not at all, the years worth of horrendously expensive Menevit (that seems to have done piss-all for us), the acupuncture, naturopath, icky herbal concoctions...

Hmm I don't know that we've done quite enough preparation actually, I'm still a little worried about neural tube defects, I feel I need to take that folic acid a little longer-and THEN we'll start trying to conceive....

And then there were 2...

Just a very quick update, got a call from the lab yesterday, we had 4 remaining embryos that they were growing on, she said 2 didn't make it past day 3, and 2 actually made it to blast but she said they were in such bad shape so not useable. It suprises me that something would still keep growing to blast stage though and be in such bad shape?
 But anyway all hopes&dreams now pinned on the 2x 8 cell frosties.
After having a 'woe is me' day yesterday I got over it by the afternoon and went to the movies with my best friend, we saw Easy A, VERY funny!And together with a massive box of popcorn and maltesers,it was just what I needed.

*edit* Did I say popcorn and maltesers? What I meant was celery sticks and water...yeah, thats what I meant....

The one day eVENT

Arrgh I cannot stop thinking worse case scenarios today, I think the fact that this cycle hasn't panned out the way I thought it would has given me a reality check that maybe the rest of it wont go so well too...
I was probably a little naive, okay a lot naive- going into this though, but it's hard not to be positive when you can finally start doing something to help you reach your goal.

To think that I was tossing up whether to select how many eggs to fertilise as I was scared we would end up with heaps of excess embryos, that's a scary thought now that we're down to possibly 2 out of our 20 eggs!
I had a feeling there would be a lot of eggs from the start, the FS was originally going to put me on 300iu of Gonal F to start with until he did a scan and found I already had a few follies there anyway, I was so relieved as I just knew my body was going to go insane on 300! Funny how you get a bit of a 6th sense for things like that, and I think I've said before big G and I had a funny feeling his test results might come back with bad results-he said he actually had a bad feeling from a while back but just hoped like hell it wasn't true.
So anyway I've been googling again (yeah I know) and it seems that thawed embryos don't seem to do as well as fresh, I guess that's a given seeing as they tend to lose a few cells when they're thawed out.

And in fact I have found the percentages in our IVF booklet- a day3 embryo has the success rate drop from 44% fresh, to 32% thawed, and if it was a blast, 58% fresh down to 41% thawed.

I just can't help thinking what if our embryos don't survive the thaw, or what if we just get BFN's from them, what if we have to do another cycle and what if we get an even lower fertilisation rate next time?
And to be honest I just feel a little pissed off now that we weren't able to do a fresh transfer, shouldn't they be able to tell that I'm going to get a huge amount of eggs and drop the dosage to stop this happening?
And yeah I know I know, I moaned about this to big G and he said a lot can happen in the days between scans, and they don't always know how many actual eggs you'll get compared to follicles, and he's right, but I'm still annoyed.
You know when you just get to the point where you don't know if you can bear another month going by that you're not pregnant? Or even where you're not able to actively DO anything to help you get pregnant?
I'm just having one of those moments, and I'm not looking forward to all of the things coming up this Christmas and next year, where I thought either I will be pregnant, or if I'm not, then we would have at least given it a shot and should have a plan in place for another go.
 Instead it's back to limboland again, I would just like to have an embryo inside me please so we can see what happens and then either have a good outcome, or move on to the next step, at least with a plan about what to try next.I don't even feel like making the most of my embryo-free Christmas, instead I'd just like to go to sleep and wake up at transfer time.

And just for the record, I KNOW there is always someone more worse off, and I know we are luckier than some to even have 2 embryos, I also know that just under 2 years isn't nearly as long as many have had to wait, but I'm just having a vent. I'm sure I will be back on the positive train tomorrow.

The 6 Day Blowout...

I'm currently on Day 5 of a 6 Day total blowout, and by that I mean I have started eating junk food and I'm literally unable to stop.I've had to set a limit on this unstoppable madness so I've given myself tomorrow as my last day of gluttony and then it's time to reign myself in.
It all started immediately after Egg Collection with a Hot Chocolate and now things have spiralled out of control. I also had Burger King for lunch on EC day, and since then all manner of sweet and savoury goodness.
Last night it was Maccas, and right at this very moment it's Sour Cream and Chives chips. They have a sign on them saying 80% less saturated fat though so I'm pretty sure they're good for me....right? I'm just choosing not to read the ingredients list.
I have been pretty good for the last few months and now that I have no embryo inside me to appreciate all of my efforts it's all turning to custard.
The only thing I haven't turned to yet is alcohol, although big G has kindly done enough drinking for the both of us last night, and is currently having a 'I'm never drinking EVER again' day. It's his first blowout for a long time too(and it will be his last I believe) and it was his work Christmas party so I don't mind, although I'm not feeling particularly sympathetic!
So Monday is a new day and hopefully I will have gotten all of these mad cravings out of my system, and it's time to head back to the gym as well me thinks!
The counsellor told me to take it easy at the gym so I don't 'cook' my eggs.Well I didn't need much persuading and I've happily stayed away since that day....only so as not to cook my eggs of course....
It's ironic how going through IVF makes you look and feel pregnant before you even get a chance to experience the real thing.
Already my bloated belly looks well and truly pregnant, I'm also sporting a rack to rival Pammys, and my skin is horrendous(I'm totally blaming that on the drugs-not my current food intake)
Ah well I shall revell in my current gluttonous state for just a little while longer and then it's time to get my body into baby-temple mode again for one of those little waiting frosties.

Day 3 update...

We have 2 frosties woohoo!Yup 2 little 8cells to be snap frozen today, they didn't say how the other ones were looking, just that they would keep them going and phone us on Monday to let us know if there are any more viable ones I guess. It would be great to have another one or 2 but I'm not holding my breath, and I'm just so stoked to have 2 lovely little potential babies. Now to have to wait is the hard part-again, I'll have to find lots of fun stuff to do over the next 2 months to keep myself busy.

Infertili-kitty

When there's no baby or child to lavish your maternal instincts on the next best thing is a pet.Our darling grey ball of fur-Molly is your typical aloof, snobby, love you when-I'm-hungry, ignore you when I'm not-cat.
Unfortunately for her all of my pent up, helium pitched, baby cooing is showered upon her whether she likes it or not. As well as extra cuddles, pats, blankets (for when she's cold of course...) and toys for being a good girl.
Big G and I are animal lovers by nature anyway but somehow I feel we've taken it a little too far, we even refer to each other as mum and dad...."Molly go ask dad for your biscuits, go on" Please someone tell me we're not the only ones who do this!!
Instead of a baby album on Facebook, I have a whole album dedicated to my cats. Soon I will be posting status updates such as

"My cat was awake until 3am this morning, will she ever sleep through the night?"

"My cat just puked up a moth on my shirt, sigh, the joys of cat-ownership"

And then on other people's statuses, "enjoy your sleep in because when you have a cat like me you will never have that luxury again"

 We would actually LOVE a dog too, but because we're renting it's pretty hard to find a place that will allow it so for now all of our attentions are directed at our little grey kitty, it will be very interesting once a baby is on the scene!

On the first day of Christmas, My True Love gave to meee...

Some sperm to fertilise my egg-iiiiiies....

I'm a huge Christmas girl and it's dawned on me today that Christmas is 2 weeks away and I haven't managed to drum up an ounce of Christmas spirit yet. I haven't even heard any xmas carols yet-which must mean I've spent the last 2 weeks either at home or the fertility clinic in a haze of eggs and sperm and needles. And there's nothing like having 20 eggs sucked out of your ovaries to get you right in that festive mood....

I feel it's time to drag out some decorations and get myself back in the mood again, hell I might even splash out and get us a Christmas CD, I'm sure big G will love it....
Just no Christmas tree, we have banned ourselves from ever getting one again until we are mature enough to handle the responsibility. The last real one we had was about 7 years ago and it was lovely, until it sat in our lounge until March, a dried up brown twig, and we had to do a stealth mission to get rid of it one night by throwing it over our balcony and then ferreting it across the road and into the sand dunes.

I think it still wont feel the same this year, but then I don't think it ever does to anyone dealing with infertility no matter what stage you're at.There's always something missing that you dearly want and don't have just yet. And I think I'll feel a little bit sad on the 21st which is the day we would have had our BT if we'd been able to carry on, but thems the breaks, and I will just look forward to February instead when we can finally finish what we started-hopefully with a positive result.

I was talking to my mum this morning and she mentioned she had told my grandma what was happening so far with our embryos, and how excited Grandma was about her 'great grandbabies' in those petri dishes, which I thought was really cool. Although she also asked my mum- 'could they give her twins darling?because it would be so lovely to have some twins in the family'. Uh huh....

So now just waiting for the lab again to phone this afternoon with an update, hope they're dividing nicely and ready to be little icy pops soon!

We have a 'beautiful' embryo!

Okay fertilisation update...once again I decided to dash out while I was waiting for the all important phone call-this time to the mail box (which is a wee bit of a hike!) So as soon as we had finished the conversation I promptly forgot everything she had said except for 'you have a beautiful 4 cell'.
Anyway I phoned back and asked if they could email the results and I'll just copy it pretty much word for word rather than trying to get all fancy pants and putting it into my own words...

Today (day 2) you have the following:
1x beautiful 4 cell
2x nice 4 cell with some fragmentation
1 x nice 5 cell
1x 6 cell with some fragmentation and uneven cell sizes
1x 2 cell with both cells affected by multinucleate, which gives substantially lower implantation potential and this embryo will only be frozen if it develops into a good quality blastocyst by day5 or day6.
Tomorrow (day 3) we will score all embryos again and good quality 8 cell embryos will be frozen.other embryos will be cultured on to day5 or day6 if good quality blastocyst.

So that's the email and I am SO RELIEVED. I know it's early days but I was so scared we wouldn't have any good ones today. the lovely woman I spoke to from the lab said they would phone me on Day 6, or 'if I want to I can phone the clinic for updates before then'. Um hell yeah I'll be phoning you for updates! I wanna know whats happening to my potential baby giraffes!

Fertilisation update

We phoned the lab yesterday (the day after egg collection) to see how the fertilisation had gone, they said out of 20 eggs, 17 were mature, but only 6 had fertilised normally. Since I've shared this result with a few people so far most of them have said that's great, but I stupidly started googling fertilisation results last night and found that ICSI usually has fertilisation rates of 70-80%, this means our fertilisation rate was only around 30 % so I'm worried as to how they're going to go over the next few days.
It's funny how you feel immediately attached to these little guys already so I can't wait to hear how they're going today-should be getting a phone call anytime from now!

How do you like your eggs?

Egg collection day arrived and after a restless sleep we were up at 5:45am, the clinic is around 1 1/2 hours away and we usually give ourselves 2 hours to get there just in case.
It's not often that I go without food for more than an hour so having no breakfast was torture for me!
We arrived at the clinic at 8:30am and my favourite nurse showed us into the room that we would be recovering in afterwards. After putting my sexy white flannelette gown on (actually it was kind of comfy!) we sat and waited, the embryologist came in and introduced herself and asked us our names and date of birth -I guess all part of protocol to make sure the right embryos go to the right people, and went over our consent forms which state how many eggs we want fertilised, embryos implanted etc.

We then met the absolutely lovely doctor who would be doing the egg collection and it was time for her to put the much dreaded line in my arm. I explained to her I was not good with needles and then I took my standard big deep breath when it was inserted, followed by another big breath, and another......but wait- the needle is still being jiggled around in there and now she's telling me she can't get the vein, okay cue many big breaths, in fact-hyperventilating and panicking now and clenching poor big G's hand so tight, and now she's telling me the needle 'keeps bouncing off the vein'  WHAT THE ...You don't say things like that to a needlephobe for god's sake!
With hideous needle-jabbing-bouncing-vein images in my head now I weakly ask her if she would like to try the other arm-yup I'm so desperate to get that damn thing out I've offered up my other arm for sacrifice.
She gets it in smoothly in my right arm and leaves the room telling me that unfortunately things like that always happen to needlephobes! at least she was lovely throughout calling me darling, and telling me she was almost there, but I'm a total mess now and crying before the procedure's even begun!

Once I'm in the theatre room I've calmed down and I have pain relief and a drug called Hypnoval administered, the nurse tells me I'll feel it wash over me in a minute and I do-the weirdest woozy feeling!
Legs in stirrups and the ultrasound wand is inserted and then the needle-the pain is pretty intense actually and it only gets worse. The embryologist checks the fluid that's drawn out under a microscope and calls out how many eggs she sees as they go along.I remember hearing the first, and then 9 eggs, and then it gets fuzzy.
At this point I'm in agony, keep throwing my head back involuntarily and I can't help but tense everything up, they keep telling my to bring my chin forward and the nurse injects some more pain relief for me. I keep thinking to myself that none of the drugs are working for me becasue I'm not in the 'lovely happy place' that everyone told me I would go to! looking back though I have forgotten chunks of it so obviously something worked but I didn't expect that level of pain for me.
I ended up getting 20 eggs and everyone was congratulating us saying that was a great amount, I was just in tears by now though, I don't know why, maybe just relief that the pain was over, I felt a bit silly and remember saying to the nurse that I hoped I wasn't the only woman to have a big blub about it at the end!She was absolutely lovely though and just said I'd done really well, and then she helped me put my underwear back on and commented on how nice they were(I'm really glad I bought them new the previous day so I wouldn't have the shame of my falling apart-holey underwear being handled by someone else haha)

In the recovery room they came in and informed us that because of the amount of eggs they'd retrieved, any embryos we got would have to be frozen and replaced early next year because I was at risk of developing OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome- you're more at risk if you've had a large amount of eggs retrieved and also if you become pregnant from the fresh embryo replacement)
I felt pretty gutted about this and cried some more...big G was disappointed too but also pointed out that we can enjoy our christmas without the anxiety of a negative or very early positive result hanging over us, and that risking my health isn't worth it.
He's totally right but I can't help but feel gutted we can't just continue what we've started....sometimes it feels like we are constantly waiting waiting.

I should probably point out to anyone reading this that not all egg collections are as painful-so I've heard, firstly my mum thinks that maybe I should have had more pain relief administered from the start given my 6ft2" frame, and secondly I did have 20 eggs removed. And if we have to do it again for whatever reason I'm not scared anymore and know what to expect, plus you do forget the pain!

Trigger time...

After only 6 days of Gonal F injections(188iu) we had our second scan on Saturday 4th,which showed quite a bit happening in there. Our specialist didn't give an exact amount (I've learned that if you want to know how many follicles you have growing you need to bring a pen and paper and be a speed writer-not easy with dildo cam prodding around in there) He calls out the size of the follicles to the nurse who records them- big G reckoned there was around 7-8 decent sized ones each side. the specialist said the scan 'looked fantastic' anyway so we felt pretty good. we were doing morning Cetrotide injections now too and were told our trigger injection would most likely be Sunday.

We were phoned up on Sunday afternoon-after waiting around all day for the phonecall we had decided to do a dash to the supermarket and of course we got the phone call in the middle of Pak'n Save, with no pen to write down our instructions so big G did a mad dash to the check out and I found a crumpled old envelope to write our important injection instructions while leaning on a rail in the freezer section. we were to do the injection at 9pm that night, egg collection was to be at 9am on the Tuesday morning. No food for 6 hours beforehand and no drinks for 2 hours.

Unfortunately I also had a ejaculation related question to ask the nurse (as you do) and had to resort to careful omission of  words that weren't appropriate to mention in the freezer aisle of the supermarket.
 "My husband was told to do....something....every day....should he keep doing....something...up until....the big day?" Luckily the nurse was onto it and I didn't have to elaborate any further!

Trigger injection was a breeze and we were getting pretty excited by this point. It's hard not to feel optimistic and I felt that we had a good amount of eggs so was feeling kay about egg collection.
I've been known to have a really high tolerance to pain (this has been discovered through various injuries over the years where some docters have been amazed I haven't been in more pain from them) So I wasn't at all worried about the actual egg collection-where they insert a needle through the vaginal wall and into your ovaries and suck the fluid and any eggs out of the follicles,in fact I was more terrified of having a line inserted into my arm to administer pain relief, the old needlephobia coming up again.

The start of our ICSI cycle...cue needlephobia

So as I said we're already in the middle of our first round of ICSI. We are doing an antagonist cycle and we've both been amazed at how quickly everything has happened. Day 1 of my cycle was the 27th November and we started Gonal F the next day.
I'm a needlephobe from way back, isn't everyone? From the time we first learned we would be doing IVF my biggest fear was doing the injections, forget the egg collection, 2 ww, possibility of a BFN, the needles terrified me the most. I had read so often how people had found it a breeze, much easier than expected, but I wasn't convinced. And asking big Giraffe(husband) if he would do them for me drew some non-committal half head nods that didn't leave me feeling reassured.
After taking advantage of a free counselling session at the fertility clinic though, the counsellor said she thought it would be best if big Giraffe did the injections 'so he could be involved', Yuss-just what I wanted to hear!So it was settled, and when day 2 arrived the nerves started kicking in for both of us.
About an hour before it was time we were pacing around with nervous anticipation, half an hour to go and we had everything laid out on the bed. I even brought in our stereo and stuck Fat Freddy's Drop on to relax me, Big G had a whisky to calm his nerves (yeah naughty I know but the counsellor said one or 2 drinks a day for HIM was okay!grr) and then found a herbal tea called 'tension tamer' in our cupboard and poured himself a cup of tea(bought way back in my stressful work days I believe) It contains catnip-how that's meant to tame your tensions I will never know.
So after ALL of that, I lay down on the bed, took some big breaths, and didn't feel a bloody thing, except poor big G's hands shaking. A couple of High Fives later and I sheepishly put the stereo back- feeling a little silly about all of the dramas over that tiny needle- we were on our way!

Back to the beginning...

I'd better start from the beginning seeing as I've decided to start this blog when we are in the midst of our first round of IVF...silly I know as it might have been helpful  for me to be writing this all down as I go.
My husband and I started ttc our first baby in February 2009.

I had wanted children for as long as I could remember(and I know that everyone says that but it's true!) I have 2 sisters and I had always been classed as the more maternal one, the one who would most likely provide the first grandchildren, I didn't mind this label at all as I thought it would probably be true.

I wanted babies desperately but I also wanted it to be 'right', so when I met my husband we worked, travelled, got engaged and then married-it was just over a year after we were married that we decided to take the plunge. It ended up being not so much the 'right' time for us, we didn't own our own house, my husband had just started a 3 year degree course, and I had just bought a very busy sewing business, but I didn't want to put it off any longer-and I was terrified of putting children on hold until everything was perfect and then finding out it was too late to conceive. I was so terrified of being infertile due to waiting until I was older, it never really crossed my mind at that stage there would be any other issues.

 My mum had passed on some good wisdom to me in that sense. Her and my dad had me and my sister in their 20's, and my younger sister in their early 30's, they are great parents and I was determined to still be classed as a 'young' parent. And she always told me there was never going to be a right time to have a child and to go for it when we felt we were ready. So I was 25, and husband 27 when we started trying...I had 4 months until I was 26 and I was anxious to become pregnant by then. I know I refer to my age a lot but it was so important to me back then.Now, not so much, just a baby would be nice thanks and I don't care how old I am!

Fast forward 9 months of well timed BDing, good health, acupuncture in case my work stress was hindering our chances, tears and frustration....and finally after having kept it a secret for so long (I had all sorts of wonderful visions of the suprise announcement to everyone!), I told my mum and although she thought it may just take us longer than we expected, she suggested we have some tests done through our GP-just for peace of mind, or so we thought!

My initial tests came back fine, unfortunately my husband semen analysis wasn't so good. I still remember being so nervous waiting for that phone call with his results, and looking back we both agree we had a funny bad feeling about it that we both didn't want to admit to.

His count was 2 million and motility only 7%, so we were referred to a specialist who gave us less than 5% chance of conceiving naturally and onto the public funded waiting list we went. At the time that list was a gutwrenching 20 months long and I didn't know how I would bear that long a wait. Luckily thought we were fortunate enought to have been bumped up a few times due to changes in funding etc and ended up waiting only 10 months. And so our ICSI journey began...