The one day eVENT

Arrgh I cannot stop thinking worse case scenarios today, I think the fact that this cycle hasn't panned out the way I thought it would has given me a reality check that maybe the rest of it wont go so well too...
I was probably a little naive, okay a lot naive- going into this though, but it's hard not to be positive when you can finally start doing something to help you reach your goal.

To think that I was tossing up whether to select how many eggs to fertilise as I was scared we would end up with heaps of excess embryos, that's a scary thought now that we're down to possibly 2 out of our 20 eggs!
I had a feeling there would be a lot of eggs from the start, the FS was originally going to put me on 300iu of Gonal F to start with until he did a scan and found I already had a few follies there anyway, I was so relieved as I just knew my body was going to go insane on 300! Funny how you get a bit of a 6th sense for things like that, and I think I've said before big G and I had a funny feeling his test results might come back with bad results-he said he actually had a bad feeling from a while back but just hoped like hell it wasn't true.
So anyway I've been googling again (yeah I know) and it seems that thawed embryos don't seem to do as well as fresh, I guess that's a given seeing as they tend to lose a few cells when they're thawed out.

And in fact I have found the percentages in our IVF booklet- a day3 embryo has the success rate drop from 44% fresh, to 32% thawed, and if it was a blast, 58% fresh down to 41% thawed.

I just can't help thinking what if our embryos don't survive the thaw, or what if we just get BFN's from them, what if we have to do another cycle and what if we get an even lower fertilisation rate next time?
And to be honest I just feel a little pissed off now that we weren't able to do a fresh transfer, shouldn't they be able to tell that I'm going to get a huge amount of eggs and drop the dosage to stop this happening?
And yeah I know I know, I moaned about this to big G and he said a lot can happen in the days between scans, and they don't always know how many actual eggs you'll get compared to follicles, and he's right, but I'm still annoyed.
You know when you just get to the point where you don't know if you can bear another month going by that you're not pregnant? Or even where you're not able to actively DO anything to help you get pregnant?
I'm just having one of those moments, and I'm not looking forward to all of the things coming up this Christmas and next year, where I thought either I will be pregnant, or if I'm not, then we would have at least given it a shot and should have a plan in place for another go.
 Instead it's back to limboland again, I would just like to have an embryo inside me please so we can see what happens and then either have a good outcome, or move on to the next step, at least with a plan about what to try next.I don't even feel like making the most of my embryo-free Christmas, instead I'd just like to go to sleep and wake up at transfer time.

And just for the record, I KNOW there is always someone more worse off, and I know we are luckier than some to even have 2 embryos, I also know that just under 2 years isn't nearly as long as many have had to wait, but I'm just having a vent. I'm sure I will be back on the positive train tomorrow.