A day of extremes.

After last Saturday I had hoped to put the bleeding episode behind us, and had just started to calm down and get back into enjoying pregnancy after a few days of resting as much as I could.
 On Tuesday night nothing seemed different but that night I had some strange dreams and had a bad feeling that something was wrong. I woke up at 5am and went to the bathroom where I saw I was bleeding again.
 Telling myself that it would be okay like last time, I went back to bed and that's when the cramping started. The last time the cramping was mild, this time it was worse than any period cramps I've had, and felt like my uterus was properly contracting-I had a terrible feeling that things might not be good. I lay in bed for a while not wanting to wake G just yet as he had an exam that morning and I didn't want to worry him if it turned out to be a false alarm and the cramps stopped.
 But after getting up and making myself breakfast, I suddenly felt a gush of blood and at that moment I was certain it was the real deal this time and I was surely miscarrying. I finally woke G and phoned my mum as we didn't know what to do, she said to keep an eye on things and she would come and get me that morning-G had an exam that day and we both decided he should just get it out of the way as there was no point in sitting around and worrying until we knew for sure.
 After he had left I soaked through 2 super pads in the space of 20 minutes and also passed 2 large clots and cried because I was sure our little Pepe(our nickname-Maori for 'baby') had gone.
Our lovely GP managed to get us in for another scan that afternoon which I was dreading as I didn't want to see my empty uterus after having only just seen our little bean the day before.
About 2 hours before the scan the bleeding had almost stopped and I allowed myself to become a little hopeful again, but at the same time had no idea how I could bleed that much and still have something in there...and was worried it would start again at any moment.
Typically they were running late so we waited an extra 30 minutes(with a full bladder might I add!)and got more and more nervous,at this point I had no idea how to feel-I thought it would be a miracle that there would be anything in there still, and was torn between having that little bit of hope, and preparing ourselves for seeing the worst on the screen.
I don't know if I can describe the feeling of seeing the pregnancy sac still in there with a tiny blur inside and a little flicker...I started bawling and kept crying until we got into the car. Tears of joy, but also tears of fear, I'm so scared this is going to keep happening and the stress of it is huge. They couldn't see what caused the bleeding, and I have heard of other women having the heavy bleeding for no reason at all too...so all I can hope for is that it doesn't happen again.
It amazes me that our Pepe was just hanging out in there flickering away, hopefully oblivious to what was going on around her, it's so tiny-only 4.5mm long, but obviously pretty tough!
So I'm back to resting again, in fact I'm scared to move a muscle and have spent all day today in bed, my abdomen is still quite tender and I just want to take it easy as that's all I can do for peace of mind.
I had a terrible sleep last night and felt on edge and worried about waking up bleeding again, I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to truly relax and enjoy this now.
G has been amazing and is continuing to cook, clean, and give me tons of hugs and love.
I also feel lucky to have some amazing friends who were so supportive yesterday and made me feel secure knowing that, even if the worst happened, they would be there to help me through it. Tee, Haidee, Chon, Athena, you guys are the best!
So now it's a nervous wait until the 8 weeks scan, hopefully with no more bleeding episodes, and then maybe I'll be able to breathe a sigh of relief and relax somewhat-fingers crossed.