You have to sing that title to the tune of 'Physical".....okay you may also add some moves-you know you want to!
Argh I'm going bloody crazy trying to keep in a good frame of mind. And do you know what has gotten me into a funk? Talking about stupid IVF. A friend asked me today how things were going, I don't mind, she is a lovely, caring friend and she was checking in on what's been happening. But since then it's all come back to the surface. I've actually been thinking a couple of bad thoughts since a sleepless night last night, but I haven't really let them take over until now.
So I'm just going to put them out into the universe, and hope that they dissipate soon
1. I keep wondering WHY I'm doing a medicated cycle, when I have regular periods and ovulate fairly regularly. I won't kick up a fuss because I trust my specialist, but I had just hoped to do this FET as naturally as possible without messing around any more with my hormones. And the other thing is that if we aren't successful, I found out recently that we would have to wait TWO more full cycles before doing another FET.That would put us in....June.Excellent.
2. I can't stop thinking 'what if' .What if our embryos don't thaw, what if we have two BFN's and have to go back on a waiting list for a 2nd round of IVF. I don't know if I can make it through another year or so with no hint of a pregnancy.
3. I'm annoyed that I'm annoyed. What happened to my groovy, peace and love and all is good in the world 'tude?
And that's it. Now go free, oh bad thoughts, and piss off so I can be happy and positive again.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Buns of Steel
I have a new obsession at the moment. My Buns Of Steel.
I just know they're in there under all that insulation, waiting to make their grand debut, getting whipped into shape with the thousands of squats I've been doing at the gym ( I like to envisage that I'm hovering over a public toilet, my germ-phobia helps me snap back to a standing position like a rocket)
Instead of my breasts getting poked and prodded to check whats happening on the boob-o-meter this cycle, I can't help but clench my buttocks like a body builder, and prod my gluteus maximus' to gleefully measure how much firmer they are.
Except they're not all that firm really. I would liken them more to....Buns Of Aluminium. Stronger than quivering jelly, but still mucho pliable when prodded.
And unfortunately, along with my new enthusiasm for the gym, I've also gained a new enthusiasm for baking. So as soon as I add a layer of muscle, I also add a layer of baking induced flab.
Soon with all of these layers I'm adding, I'll turn into the Hulk, one day my super muscle-flabs will burst out of my clothes, and maybe I'll even start growling and gnashing my teeth, cos I'm the Hulk and I'm allowed to.
I'm also running my hands along my aching, slightly firmer thighs quite a lot lately, and clenching my abs which have had a hammering too.
I'd like to think that along with the bum prodding, and odd boob squeeze, if I string all of these moves together it would make quite an awesome dance routine. Maybe a dance reserved only for foreplay, but a pretty wicked dance nonetheless.
So that's what has been keeping me occupied for the last week, I'm loving the gym again, especially the Step classes, where along with the fast wild arm movements and open mouthed panting I'm pretty sure I look like an Asthmatic Giraffe trying to climb a tree.
But it feels good, and did you notice I haven't yet used the words IVF sperm ovary embryo vagina infertility fuck arse drink bullshit boohoo waawaa?
I'll save those for the next post.
Hope everyone's having a FAB weekend!
PS-I just had to choose this pic of the Hulk cos it says THOOOM-what the hell is THOOOM?
Because of course 'BOOOM' wouldn't do at all....to make us really feel the wrath of the hulk we have to add a lispy TH at the start.
I just know they're in there under all that insulation, waiting to make their grand debut, getting whipped into shape with the thousands of squats I've been doing at the gym ( I like to envisage that I'm hovering over a public toilet, my germ-phobia helps me snap back to a standing position like a rocket)
Instead of my breasts getting poked and prodded to check whats happening on the boob-o-meter this cycle, I can't help but clench my buttocks like a body builder, and prod my gluteus maximus' to gleefully measure how much firmer they are.
Except they're not all that firm really. I would liken them more to....Buns Of Aluminium. Stronger than quivering jelly, but still mucho pliable when prodded.
And unfortunately, along with my new enthusiasm for the gym, I've also gained a new enthusiasm for baking. So as soon as I add a layer of muscle, I also add a layer of baking induced flab.
Soon with all of these layers I'm adding, I'll turn into the Hulk, one day my super muscle-flabs will burst out of my clothes, and maybe I'll even start growling and gnashing my teeth, cos I'm the Hulk and I'm allowed to.
I'm also running my hands along my aching, slightly firmer thighs quite a lot lately, and clenching my abs which have had a hammering too.
I'd like to think that along with the bum prodding, and odd boob squeeze, if I string all of these moves together it would make quite an awesome dance routine. Maybe a dance reserved only for foreplay, but a pretty wicked dance nonetheless.
So that's what has been keeping me occupied for the last week, I'm loving the gym again, especially the Step classes, where along with the fast wild arm movements and open mouthed panting I'm pretty sure I look like an Asthmatic Giraffe trying to climb a tree.
But it feels good, and did you notice I haven't yet used the words IVF sperm ovary embryo vagina infertility fuck arse drink bullshit boohoo waawaa?
I'll save those for the next post.
Hope everyone's having a FAB weekend!
PS-I just had to choose this pic of the Hulk cos it says THOOOM-what the hell is THOOOM?
Because of course 'BOOOM' wouldn't do at all....to make us really feel the wrath of the hulk we have to add a lispy TH at the start.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Awards...:)
Okay so I'm ever so excited to have recieved some awards from some awesome fellow bloggers, there were a couple so hopefully it's okay if I thank them all in here....
Athena from A Field of Dreams-I love reading your honest and thought provoking blog and thank you for being such a supportive friend&commenter.
Bridget from The lost Stork, who I have just met and started following through ICLW, she has an awesome blog and I hope to get to know her better
So here are the rules for the award:
So 7 things about myself....
* I'm 6ft 2" tall and I DON'T play any sports-I get asked about 10 times a day if I play basketball but -shock horror-I don't.
Apparently it's a mortal sin to not put your height to good use by throwing a ball in a net.
The next time someone asks if I play basketball I'm going to tell them they should be a professional Limbo-er.
*I absolutely adore animals, I can't bear to read or hear about any animal cruelty, and G and I would love to have a little bit of land one day with lots of animals-but not for eating!
*When I was 5 I had a heart operation-my parents tell me that as I was about to go in I looked up at them and said "am I gonna die?". We laugh about it now but how awful for my parents!
*I became a vegetarian when I was 13 although I have now relaxed a little and eat a bit of fish.
*I'm scared of the dark....and I can't cope with being in a pitch black room.
*I met my husband at a bar with mutual friends We moved into a flat together after 3 months and never looked back,we have been together for 9 years now and married for 3 :)
* I'm very close to my parents but especially a bit of a daddy's girl, I think he's awesome and hilarious-no one else thinks he's quite as funny as I do!
Okay so far I have a list of 10 other great blogs so go and check them out! :)
Lexa We Relaxed...it didn't happen
Clewis Baby on My Mind
Tee InfertiliTEE
Sara Time well Wasted
Krista Diary of taking Small steps towards baby Steps
Athena A Field of Dreams
Rochelle For all the things we hope for
CW My path to Insanity and Beyond
Haidee Maybe Baby...Or Maybe the loony Bin
Elphaba Yolk...a blog about eggs and Sperm
Chon from My Path to Insanity and Beyond-you're a great friend and inspiration to me with your outlook on life-And I should also add that Chon taught me how to add the link for the blog names as I'm just a little bit- or a lotta bit useless with technology.
Athena from A Field of Dreams-I love reading your honest and thought provoking blog and thank you for being such a supportive friend&commenter.
Bridget from The lost Stork, who I have just met and started following through ICLW, she has an awesome blog and I hope to get to know her better
So here are the rules for the award:
Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
- Share 7 things about yourself.
- Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
- Make sure you contact these bloggers to let them know about the award
So 7 things about myself....
* I'm 6ft 2" tall and I DON'T play any sports-I get asked about 10 times a day if I play basketball but -shock horror-I don't.
Apparently it's a mortal sin to not put your height to good use by throwing a ball in a net.
The next time someone asks if I play basketball I'm going to tell them they should be a professional Limbo-er.
*I absolutely adore animals, I can't bear to read or hear about any animal cruelty, and G and I would love to have a little bit of land one day with lots of animals-but not for eating!
*When I was 5 I had a heart operation-my parents tell me that as I was about to go in I looked up at them and said "am I gonna die?". We laugh about it now but how awful for my parents!
*I became a vegetarian when I was 13 although I have now relaxed a little and eat a bit of fish.
*I'm scared of the dark....and I can't cope with being in a pitch black room.
*I met my husband at a bar with mutual friends We moved into a flat together after 3 months and never looked back,we have been together for 9 years now and married for 3 :)
* I'm very close to my parents but especially a bit of a daddy's girl, I think he's awesome and hilarious-no one else thinks he's quite as funny as I do!
Okay so far I have a list of 10 other great blogs so go and check them out! :)
Lexa We Relaxed...it didn't happen
Clewis Baby on My Mind
Tee InfertiliTEE
Sara Time well Wasted
Krista Diary of taking Small steps towards baby Steps
Athena A Field of Dreams
Rochelle For all the things we hope for
CW My path to Insanity and Beyond
Haidee Maybe Baby...Or Maybe the loony Bin
Elphaba Yolk...a blog about eggs and Sperm
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The Advent calendar for Infertiles
Someone suggested I elaborate on the Infertility Advent Calendar idea so I have...feel free to suggest any more ideas for certain days!
The Infertility Advent Calendar : when tiny chocolates just aren't enough
Day 1: This first window is covered in padding as naturally you will want to throw a few punches at it before opening. Inside,wine...a cask of course. How convenient to have a tap for ease of pouring it straight down your throat while lying on the couch.
And a pair of earmuffs to block out the torrent of pregnancy announcements that naturally pour in on the first day of your period - a hammer to smash your cellphone may also do the trick.
Day 2: A new pair of underwear as you have ruined the ones you're wearing with your Day 2-justleakedthroughasupertamponandmaternitypad-bleeding. More wine and a pack of super tampons that actually ARE super.
Day 5: A bra in a smaller size to encase your shrunken post AF boobs, a bottle of ClearEyes to hide the effects of the last 4 days of crying, and a gym membership as you've decided if you cannot be pregnant this month, you will use this time to workout....just like you did last month....uh huh....
Day 7: A giant bottle of preseed and a plate of oysters. It's time to get back on the bike baby-you know that sex on Day 7 is unlikely to result in a baby as you're pretty sure the sperm don't last 5 minutes let alone 5 days, but hey, old habits die hard.
Day 14: A box of No-Doze and a deliciously strong Flat White. All this banging is taking it's toll so you need something to keep you going so you're not lying there like a dead starfish. Plus this is the last day you will allow yourself to have coffee before it becomes bad for the baby you will surely be growing in there.
Day 20: A bottle of fizzy grape juice, and a champagne flute so you can PRETEND you are drinking wine at your birthday, and a boxing glove so you can punch a wall when it turns out you COULD have been drinking wine at your birthday after all.
Day 24: A huge econo pack of TP-24 rolls, bleached perfectly white for easy viewing, and none of this toilet-paper-print-trickery bullshit.'Is that a tiny spot of implantation bleeding?Nope- just a little picture of a kitty on my toilet paper"
Day 25: A headtorch and a monacle for even closer inspection of the toilet paper to see if there is any sign of implantation.
Day 26: A book of baby names as you are feeling quite confident, and a bigger bra even though you don't actually need it, you are convinced your breasts are bigger. Or maybe they're just bruised from all the prodding.
Day 27: A pair of squishy Stress-Balls to squeeze instead of your poor boobies.
Day 28: D-day. maternity clothes and the number for your fertility clinic as you will surely be phoning them to inform them you won't be needing that FET after all.
Day 29: Your period still hasn't arrived but your advent calendar has run out of days so you have to improvise....a loudspeaker to announce your pregnancy to all and sundry and a pregnancy test to confirm what is so plainly obvious to you.
Day 30: A big rock to hide under, a massive fucking bar of chocolate, a crate of wine and a funnel, and a new computer keyboard as you have short-circuited your one while bawling over all of your friend's baby photos on facebook.
Day 31: A big box of Progynova pills, an assortment of pessaries, and a voucher for a Brazilian-you're going to be needing it.
The Infertility Advent Calendar : when tiny chocolates just aren't enough
Day 1: This first window is covered in padding as naturally you will want to throw a few punches at it before opening. Inside,wine...a cask of course. How convenient to have a tap for ease of pouring it straight down your throat while lying on the couch.
And a pair of earmuffs to block out the torrent of pregnancy announcements that naturally pour in on the first day of your period - a hammer to smash your cellphone may also do the trick.
Day 2: A new pair of underwear as you have ruined the ones you're wearing with your Day 2-justleakedthroughasupertamponandmaternitypad-bleeding. More wine and a pack of super tampons that actually ARE super.
Day 5: A bra in a smaller size to encase your shrunken post AF boobs, a bottle of ClearEyes to hide the effects of the last 4 days of crying, and a gym membership as you've decided if you cannot be pregnant this month, you will use this time to workout....just like you did last month....uh huh....
Day 7: A giant bottle of preseed and a plate of oysters. It's time to get back on the bike baby-you know that sex on Day 7 is unlikely to result in a baby as you're pretty sure the sperm don't last 5 minutes let alone 5 days, but hey, old habits die hard.
Day 14: A box of No-Doze and a deliciously strong Flat White. All this banging is taking it's toll so you need something to keep you going so you're not lying there like a dead starfish. Plus this is the last day you will allow yourself to have coffee before it becomes bad for the baby you will surely be growing in there.
Day 20: A bottle of fizzy grape juice, and a champagne flute so you can PRETEND you are drinking wine at your birthday, and a boxing glove so you can punch a wall when it turns out you COULD have been drinking wine at your birthday after all.
Day 24: A huge econo pack of TP-24 rolls, bleached perfectly white for easy viewing, and none of this toilet-paper-print-trickery bullshit.'Is that a tiny spot of implantation bleeding?Nope- just a little picture of a kitty on my toilet paper"
Day 25: A headtorch and a monacle for even closer inspection of the toilet paper to see if there is any sign of implantation.
Day 26: A book of baby names as you are feeling quite confident, and a bigger bra even though you don't actually need it, you are convinced your breasts are bigger. Or maybe they're just bruised from all the prodding.
Day 27: A pair of squishy Stress-Balls to squeeze instead of your poor boobies.
Day 28: D-day. maternity clothes and the number for your fertility clinic as you will surely be phoning them to inform them you won't be needing that FET after all.
Day 29: Your period still hasn't arrived but your advent calendar has run out of days so you have to improvise....a loudspeaker to announce your pregnancy to all and sundry and a pregnancy test to confirm what is so plainly obvious to you.
Day 30: A big rock to hide under, a massive fucking bar of chocolate, a crate of wine and a funnel, and a new computer keyboard as you have short-circuited your one while bawling over all of your friend's baby photos on facebook.
Day 31: A big box of Progynova pills, an assortment of pessaries, and a voucher for a Brazilian-you're going to be needing it.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
aaaand life is good again
So after my not-so-fantastic week, I've crawled back up my positive ladder and feeling preeetty good again,apart from the odd moment. I'm really really trying hard to not let any bad thoughts come into my mind. A few times I've found myself playing out some worst case scenarios in my head, it's almost a subconscious thing, and then as soon as I realise I'm doing it I'm trying hard to quash those thoughts and just focus on getting through the next month.
Last week when I was having a little moment G said to me to stop focusing on what everyone else is doing with their lives (in terms of friends falling pregnant left right and centre) and just focus on us and our own journey.So I'm trying to do that, and he's right, we have our own future to worry about and I need to stop fretting about things I have no control over.
I had my best friends Baby Shower to go to on Saturday, and I was hoping I wasn't going to be in a funny mood for that after the week I'd had, but I ended up having a great time. I went around early yesterday to help her and her mum set up and do the food, my friend looked every inch a beautiful mummy-to-be, and everyone just had a great time chatting and catching up.
The only time I really thought about IF was when she opened a gift that was a cute little bodysuit with 'made by nature' on the front, and I thought to myself that my baby would have to have 'made by science' on the front. But it wasn't a bad moment, merely an observation to myself!
I am still counting down the days though....next AF is due on the 15th of Feb. I think I should invent an infertility advent calendar, what do ya reckon? Counting down the last month before an IUI, FET or IVF. And none of this teeny tiny sliver of chocolate business, my advent calendar will have big rewards baby, we deserve it with all of this endless bloody waiting. Windows that are big enough to fit a bottle of wine or giant toblerone should suffice!
Last week when I was having a little moment G said to me to stop focusing on what everyone else is doing with their lives (in terms of friends falling pregnant left right and centre) and just focus on us and our own journey.So I'm trying to do that, and he's right, we have our own future to worry about and I need to stop fretting about things I have no control over.
I had my best friends Baby Shower to go to on Saturday, and I was hoping I wasn't going to be in a funny mood for that after the week I'd had, but I ended up having a great time. I went around early yesterday to help her and her mum set up and do the food, my friend looked every inch a beautiful mummy-to-be, and everyone just had a great time chatting and catching up.
The only time I really thought about IF was when she opened a gift that was a cute little bodysuit with 'made by nature' on the front, and I thought to myself that my baby would have to have 'made by science' on the front. But it wasn't a bad moment, merely an observation to myself!
I am still counting down the days though....next AF is due on the 15th of Feb. I think I should invent an infertility advent calendar, what do ya reckon? Counting down the last month before an IUI, FET or IVF. And none of this teeny tiny sliver of chocolate business, my advent calendar will have big rewards baby, we deserve it with all of this endless bloody waiting. Windows that are big enough to fit a bottle of wine or giant toblerone should suffice!
Happy ICLW again...:)
Happy ICLW! This is my second one, but I will do a quick rundown on our story. My husband and I have been married for just over 3 years, I have been desperate to start a family since well before then, but we finally started ttc In February '09.
We found out after 9 months, that we were dealing with severe MFI, and did our first round of IVF/ICSI in December '10. (we were lucky enough to have funded treatment in NZ but this means quite long waiting lists)
Because they got so many eggs during my egg collecton, they decided to freeze any embryos we got, to transfer at a later date. So we have 2x day3 frosties, and I have one more month until we can start our FET cycle. I'm counting down the days as I just want to finish this damn cycle already! It's been frustrating to have started something and have no conclusive finish yet.
I've tried to start afresh this year after just having a generally crappy 2010 (didn't everyone??), and I'm determined to try and stay as positive as possible, and stop giving IF the satisfaction of taking over my whole life.
I sold my busy sewing business of 3 years last September in preparation for our IVF cycle ( there is no way I could have kept running that business as well as doing fertility treatment-wasn't an option!)
So now I work part time at home and I'm currently rediscovering my...'domestic' side...hehehe. So far this has stretched to a new passion for baking, lots of sewing and crafty stuff, and just being generally 'wifey' to my husband. I haven't yet mastered the skill of obsessive cleaning but I'm blaming that lack of skill and inclination on my creative nature...it's a good excuse anyway.
So anyway look forward to seeing some new blogs and getting to know some new bloggers!
We found out after 9 months, that we were dealing with severe MFI, and did our first round of IVF/ICSI in December '10. (we were lucky enough to have funded treatment in NZ but this means quite long waiting lists)
Because they got so many eggs during my egg collecton, they decided to freeze any embryos we got, to transfer at a later date. So we have 2x day3 frosties, and I have one more month until we can start our FET cycle. I'm counting down the days as I just want to finish this damn cycle already! It's been frustrating to have started something and have no conclusive finish yet.
I've tried to start afresh this year after just having a generally crappy 2010 (didn't everyone??), and I'm determined to try and stay as positive as possible, and stop giving IF the satisfaction of taking over my whole life.
I sold my busy sewing business of 3 years last September in preparation for our IVF cycle ( there is no way I could have kept running that business as well as doing fertility treatment-wasn't an option!)
So now I work part time at home and I'm currently rediscovering my...'domestic' side...hehehe. So far this has stretched to a new passion for baking, lots of sewing and crafty stuff, and just being generally 'wifey' to my husband. I haven't yet mastered the skill of obsessive cleaning but I'm blaming that lack of skill and inclination on my creative nature...it's a good excuse anyway.
So anyway look forward to seeing some new blogs and getting to know some new bloggers!
Friday, January 21, 2011
My fantasy pavlova
As requested by someone...a picture of my pavlova I made, which by the way was perfectly crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside, and just plain delicious, TOOT TOOT (that's just me blowing my own trumpet, what a shocker.) I got DH to help me by decorating it with our berries we picked, and he did a good job although when I asked him to sift some icing sugar on top, he grabbed the caster sugar by mistake which of course fell straight through the seive in a big mountain of sugar on top-we had to do some speedy damage control. I couldn't help but laugh at him poor guy.
Oh yeah the reason for the post title is that the recipe I used is titled 'Fantasy Pavlova'. It actually was like a fantasy to eat.And I'm pretty sure it's good for me cos of all that protein from the egg whites....and sugar is good for me cos it makes me haaaappy.
Oh and AF arrived the morning after my last post too, super painful just to rub it in, but it's all good, and I have only cried once , when a friend sent a group text to say she was pregnant...this was the one I mentioned a few weeks back that I suspected she was with these hints she had dropped on facebook.
I'm not normally a crier with pregnancy announcements unless it's a particularly bad day, but this one was a little bit harder as we had been ttc our first together, and now she's pregnant with her second. It hurts when you start to get lapped on the pregnancy race track,and this is the first time it's happened for me.
Plus I was emotional as AF is good at reminding you about what you don't have again for another month, and I'll admit I had gotten my hopes up quite a bit when it was late.
So not much else happening, G's mum is staying with us this week and some of next, so I haven't had much of a chance to get to the 'puter lately, but I should be back to my normal computer time-wasting hours next week!
Oh yeah the reason for the post title is that the recipe I used is titled 'Fantasy Pavlova'. It actually was like a fantasy to eat.And I'm pretty sure it's good for me cos of all that protein from the egg whites....and sugar is good for me cos it makes me haaaappy.
Oh and AF arrived the morning after my last post too, super painful just to rub it in, but it's all good, and I have only cried once , when a friend sent a group text to say she was pregnant...this was the one I mentioned a few weeks back that I suspected she was with these hints she had dropped on facebook.
I'm not normally a crier with pregnancy announcements unless it's a particularly bad day, but this one was a little bit harder as we had been ttc our first together, and now she's pregnant with her second. It hurts when you start to get lapped on the pregnancy race track,and this is the first time it's happened for me.
Plus I was emotional as AF is good at reminding you about what you don't have again for another month, and I'll admit I had gotten my hopes up quite a bit when it was late.
So not much else happening, G's mum is staying with us this week and some of next, so I haven't had much of a chance to get to the 'puter lately, but I should be back to my normal computer time-wasting hours next week!
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