I woke up this morning and I finally feel in a really good space to post again!
Firstly-thank you for all of the supportive comments- unfortunately with all of the strange stuff that went on with Blogger a week ago, some of the comments only showed up on my email, but have been lost from my blogpost. So thanks to Krista, Bridget, Babyhopes2003, Michele, and aliciapartridge for your lovely comments-I was able to read them on my email but I'm sorry they aren't on my post for some reason!
So my week has been fairly uneventful actually, which is all rather boring but also great. No more bleeding thank goodness and I've spent an embarrassing amount of time in my bed reading books and magazines, as well as being waited on by G. The first few days after that bleed were quite hard and I found myself becoming quite anxious in the evenings, scared that I would wake up to that same awful feeling again. But that scenario never eventuated so I'm starting to relax back into feeling positive and pregnant again.
We seem to have something on every week that helps the time go a little faster and offers some reassurance. This week I have had another BT which came back fine, and we also met our midwife who is just lovely and made us feel very relaxed and confident that we will be well looked after. We'll be seeing her again in 2 weeks. Next week we have our 8 week scan at the Fertility Clinic, and I've also been having weekly acupuncture which helps to relax me and is nice just for a bit of peace of mind.
In the midst of all of this my mum has just started her Chemotherapy. My dad and I went with her to the Cancer Centre yesterday while she was hooked up to some quite scary looking bags of drugs! One had bright red liquid in it which we now refer to as 'rasberry juice',and the other clear bag is the 'lemonade'.(yes-as though we are 5 year olds...!) It sounds a lot nicer than the real names which I wouldn't know how to pronounce anyway. While mum had a nap, Dad and I spent some dad&daughter time together went and scoured the second-hand shops and hardware store, and then got pies for lunch before going back and picking up mum who was almost done.
All in all the actual 3 hours of treatment she had wasn't as bad as she thought, but by the time we got home she was starting to feel the effects already. Dry mouth and sore stomach, and a bit of nausea-she joked that she was feeling pregnant along with me!Hopefully she wont suffer the effects too badly, but she's well prepared with a wig for the inevitable hair loss over the next few weeks.
So now I feel like I need to get myself back into some normal living again. I have some work to do which has been on the backburner for 2 weeks, as well as my own projects. A super long merino top I want to make with some fabric I bought a month ago, and I also want to convert a couple of pairs of my jeans into some form of maternity wear. I'm nowhere near showing, but with complete lack of exercise and twice my normal appetite, lets just say the top buttons are being extra stubborn about meeting the button holes. So I figure I may as well get a head start!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Thursday, May 12, 2011
A day of extremes.
After last Saturday I had hoped to put the bleeding episode behind us, and had just started to calm down and get back into enjoying pregnancy after a few days of resting as much as I could.
On Tuesday night nothing seemed different but that night I had some strange dreams and had a bad feeling that something was wrong. I woke up at 5am and went to the bathroom where I saw I was bleeding again.
Telling myself that it would be okay like last time, I went back to bed and that's when the cramping started. The last time the cramping was mild, this time it was worse than any period cramps I've had, and felt like my uterus was properly contracting-I had a terrible feeling that things might not be good. I lay in bed for a while not wanting to wake G just yet as he had an exam that morning and I didn't want to worry him if it turned out to be a false alarm and the cramps stopped.
But after getting up and making myself breakfast, I suddenly felt a gush of blood and at that moment I was certain it was the real deal this time and I was surely miscarrying. I finally woke G and phoned my mum as we didn't know what to do, she said to keep an eye on things and she would come and get me that morning-G had an exam that day and we both decided he should just get it out of the way as there was no point in sitting around and worrying until we knew for sure.
After he had left I soaked through 2 super pads in the space of 20 minutes and also passed 2 large clots and cried because I was sure our little Pepe(our nickname-Maori for 'baby') had gone.
Our lovely GP managed to get us in for another scan that afternoon which I was dreading as I didn't want to see my empty uterus after having only just seen our little bean the day before.
About 2 hours before the scan the bleeding had almost stopped and I allowed myself to become a little hopeful again, but at the same time had no idea how I could bleed that much and still have something in there...and was worried it would start again at any moment.
Typically they were running late so we waited an extra 30 minutes(with a full bladder might I add!)and got more and more nervous,at this point I had no idea how to feel-I thought it would be a miracle that there would be anything in there still, and was torn between having that little bit of hope, and preparing ourselves for seeing the worst on the screen.
I don't know if I can describe the feeling of seeing the pregnancy sac still in there with a tiny blur inside and a little flicker...I started bawling and kept crying until we got into the car. Tears of joy, but also tears of fear, I'm so scared this is going to keep happening and the stress of it is huge. They couldn't see what caused the bleeding, and I have heard of other women having the heavy bleeding for no reason at all too...so all I can hope for is that it doesn't happen again.
It amazes me that our Pepe was just hanging out in there flickering away, hopefully oblivious to what was going on around her, it's so tiny-only 4.5mm long, but obviously pretty tough!
So I'm back to resting again, in fact I'm scared to move a muscle and have spent all day today in bed, my abdomen is still quite tender and I just want to take it easy as that's all I can do for peace of mind.
I had a terrible sleep last night and felt on edge and worried about waking up bleeding again, I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to truly relax and enjoy this now.
G has been amazing and is continuing to cook, clean, and give me tons of hugs and love.
I also feel lucky to have some amazing friends who were so supportive yesterday and made me feel secure knowing that, even if the worst happened, they would be there to help me through it. Tee, Haidee, Chon, Athena, you guys are the best!
So now it's a nervous wait until the 8 weeks scan, hopefully with no more bleeding episodes, and then maybe I'll be able to breathe a sigh of relief and relax somewhat-fingers crossed.
On Tuesday night nothing seemed different but that night I had some strange dreams and had a bad feeling that something was wrong. I woke up at 5am and went to the bathroom where I saw I was bleeding again.
Telling myself that it would be okay like last time, I went back to bed and that's when the cramping started. The last time the cramping was mild, this time it was worse than any period cramps I've had, and felt like my uterus was properly contracting-I had a terrible feeling that things might not be good. I lay in bed for a while not wanting to wake G just yet as he had an exam that morning and I didn't want to worry him if it turned out to be a false alarm and the cramps stopped.
But after getting up and making myself breakfast, I suddenly felt a gush of blood and at that moment I was certain it was the real deal this time and I was surely miscarrying. I finally woke G and phoned my mum as we didn't know what to do, she said to keep an eye on things and she would come and get me that morning-G had an exam that day and we both decided he should just get it out of the way as there was no point in sitting around and worrying until we knew for sure.
After he had left I soaked through 2 super pads in the space of 20 minutes and also passed 2 large clots and cried because I was sure our little Pepe(our nickname-Maori for 'baby') had gone.
Our lovely GP managed to get us in for another scan that afternoon which I was dreading as I didn't want to see my empty uterus after having only just seen our little bean the day before.
About 2 hours before the scan the bleeding had almost stopped and I allowed myself to become a little hopeful again, but at the same time had no idea how I could bleed that much and still have something in there...and was worried it would start again at any moment.
Typically they were running late so we waited an extra 30 minutes(with a full bladder might I add!)and got more and more nervous,at this point I had no idea how to feel-I thought it would be a miracle that there would be anything in there still, and was torn between having that little bit of hope, and preparing ourselves for seeing the worst on the screen.
I don't know if I can describe the feeling of seeing the pregnancy sac still in there with a tiny blur inside and a little flicker...I started bawling and kept crying until we got into the car. Tears of joy, but also tears of fear, I'm so scared this is going to keep happening and the stress of it is huge. They couldn't see what caused the bleeding, and I have heard of other women having the heavy bleeding for no reason at all too...so all I can hope for is that it doesn't happen again.
It amazes me that our Pepe was just hanging out in there flickering away, hopefully oblivious to what was going on around her, it's so tiny-only 4.5mm long, but obviously pretty tough!
So I'm back to resting again, in fact I'm scared to move a muscle and have spent all day today in bed, my abdomen is still quite tender and I just want to take it easy as that's all I can do for peace of mind.
I had a terrible sleep last night and felt on edge and worried about waking up bleeding again, I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to truly relax and enjoy this now.
G has been amazing and is continuing to cook, clean, and give me tons of hugs and love.
I also feel lucky to have some amazing friends who were so supportive yesterday and made me feel secure knowing that, even if the worst happened, they would be there to help me through it. Tee, Haidee, Chon, Athena, you guys are the best!
So now it's a nervous wait until the 8 weeks scan, hopefully with no more bleeding episodes, and then maybe I'll be able to breathe a sigh of relief and relax somewhat-fingers crossed.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
6 weeks 1 day and all is well!
We have a heartbeat! A teeny tiny one at that but our little 3.5mm bean actually has a little heart and it's beating -everything is okay!
Our Doctor kindly organised an early scan for us this morning so we didn't have to wait and worry until 8 weeks, and it was awesome. Couldn't see much else other than the little flickering heart but that was enough.
The bleeding had stopped by Saturday night and the last 2 days I've felt quite nauseous so I have been feeling as though everything would be okay, but there was still that little worry in the back of my mind that maybe something had happened in there.
I'm so relieved, and G is super relieved, he has been struggling to get through his study the last few days with everything that has happened and he told me how nervous he was right before we saw our little giraffe on the scan this morning. And when we came home I promptly had a nap-the tiredness has caught up with me.
So now I can't wait until our 8 week scan, and we meet our midwife next week so that will help break up the next 2 weeks too.
Thank you so much for the supportive comments too, I really appreciate it!
Our Doctor kindly organised an early scan for us this morning so we didn't have to wait and worry until 8 weeks, and it was awesome. Couldn't see much else other than the little flickering heart but that was enough.
The bleeding had stopped by Saturday night and the last 2 days I've felt quite nauseous so I have been feeling as though everything would be okay, but there was still that little worry in the back of my mind that maybe something had happened in there.
I'm so relieved, and G is super relieved, he has been struggling to get through his study the last few days with everything that has happened and he told me how nervous he was right before we saw our little giraffe on the scan this morning. And when we came home I promptly had a nap-the tiredness has caught up with me.
So now I can't wait until our 8 week scan, and we meet our midwife next week so that will help break up the next 2 weeks too.
Thank you so much for the supportive comments too, I really appreciate it!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
A Scary Day
This morning G and I set off to our friend's place in a town about 2 hours drive away, it was their daughters 1st Birthday and I've been looking forward to it as the first childrens party where I was actually pregnant myself.
About 20 minutes in and I had my first bout of nausea and feeling rather close to being sick-I actually felt excitement at this!I got my HCG levels back yesterday which had another good rise at 11800 so I've been almost been waiting for the Morning Sickness to kick in!
An hour in and we stop at a cafe for G to grab a coffee, it's pouring down and we run through the rain laughing with G calling me his "Preggy Sue".
Go to the bathroom- I see red spotting.
Tell myself this can be quite normal and also tell G this. Sitting in the car I feel a nagging cramping which I try to put to the back of my mind.We arrive in the destined town and find another restroom before we go to the party. This time there's a lot more red blood and I start crying-I'm convinced it's all over and I tell G. We leave and head straight back home-another 2 hours drive. After the initial cry I feel reasonably calm and know I can't do anything about the bleeding-whatever's going to happen will happen.
When we get home I see that the bleeding isn't worse but there's some clots which have me certain it's not good...I left a message for the nurse at the clinic and then climb into bed, by the time she rings back the bleeding seems to have slowed significantly, and she tells me that there's lots of reasons for it and not to worry myself sick just yet....she said with such great levels the previous day it would be unusual for something to happen so suddenly, and a possible theory is that the embryo had split but one hadn't survived, or could be any one of a number of other possible theories....suddenly I have renewed hope.
So I'm officially on bedrest until further notice, and will have another blood test on Tuesday where I'm hoping like hell the levels are still okay.
I never knew how common bleeding during early pregnancy was until I got home and chatted to a couple of friends on a forum who were of great reassurance, and googling for once gave me some positive outlooks and hope rather than doom&gloom. I had just automatically assumed the first sign of red blood and cramps and it's all over....but it seems it's quite a common thing. It has still given me a huge scare though and I'm still as nervous as hell.I just want to know that everything is okay.
So definitely one of the scariest days I've had in a while-and hopefully the last-fingers crossed!
About 20 minutes in and I had my first bout of nausea and feeling rather close to being sick-I actually felt excitement at this!I got my HCG levels back yesterday which had another good rise at 11800 so I've been almost been waiting for the Morning Sickness to kick in!
An hour in and we stop at a cafe for G to grab a coffee, it's pouring down and we run through the rain laughing with G calling me his "Preggy Sue".
Go to the bathroom- I see red spotting.
Tell myself this can be quite normal and also tell G this. Sitting in the car I feel a nagging cramping which I try to put to the back of my mind.We arrive in the destined town and find another restroom before we go to the party. This time there's a lot more red blood and I start crying-I'm convinced it's all over and I tell G. We leave and head straight back home-another 2 hours drive. After the initial cry I feel reasonably calm and know I can't do anything about the bleeding-whatever's going to happen will happen.
When we get home I see that the bleeding isn't worse but there's some clots which have me certain it's not good...I left a message for the nurse at the clinic and then climb into bed, by the time she rings back the bleeding seems to have slowed significantly, and she tells me that there's lots of reasons for it and not to worry myself sick just yet....she said with such great levels the previous day it would be unusual for something to happen so suddenly, and a possible theory is that the embryo had split but one hadn't survived, or could be any one of a number of other possible theories....suddenly I have renewed hope.
So I'm officially on bedrest until further notice, and will have another blood test on Tuesday where I'm hoping like hell the levels are still okay.
I never knew how common bleeding during early pregnancy was until I got home and chatted to a couple of friends on a forum who were of great reassurance, and googling for once gave me some positive outlooks and hope rather than doom&gloom. I had just automatically assumed the first sign of red blood and cramps and it's all over....but it seems it's quite a common thing. It has still given me a huge scare though and I'm still as nervous as hell.I just want to know that everything is okay.
So definitely one of the scariest days I've had in a while-and hopefully the last-fingers crossed!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
5 weeks 3days
5 Weeks and 3 days today.....time is moving along! A little slower than I would like, and not without some ups and downs!
I had a visit to my GP clinic yesterday morning just for a check up and to get some bloods done to check iron levels etc...it all went well but as soon as I got home I discovered spotting....I managed to stay quite calm....on the outside...but then proceeded to text and email every person I know who has experienced pregnancy to ask if they had ever spotted...as well as email the nurse at the Fertility clinic, phone my GP to see if they could get my HCG back by the afternoon, oh and posted on every forum I use for reassurance.
I've read enough info to know that spotting is common in pregnancy...but all of that flew out the window when I actually experienced it!
But our HCG came back absolutely fine...still on track, and we have another BT on Friday to check again, but it has completely stopped so I feel like everything is dandy again.
I was so determined to be cool&calm in these first few weeks with my favourite pair of fetching 'Positive Peggy Pants' on (pink&yellow polka dots, pleated high waist, oh and side tassels-for goodness sake don't forget the side tassels) and yesterday certainly gave me a fright, but maybe it's what I needed to snap out of it.
I woke up this morning and really did feel positive again, even without my Peggy Pants. I bought a Pregnancy magazine, had some acupuncture today, and also found a midwife!
The first midwife we wanted to use will be on holiday in January, so she recommended a colleague who is English, absolutely lovely, and her name is Patsy.( you know things are good when you have a midwife called Patsy)I just knew when I spoke to her on the phone that she would be wonderful, and I might have been sold when she said she thought IVF babies were EXTRA special! And yes of course all babies are special but I thought it was sweet she said that to us to make us feel good!
No major preggy symptoms yet except extreme tiredness, oh and my sense of smell has gone a little wacky.....I swear the cat's biscuits smelled JUST like hot chips tonight...maybe my body is telling me I need to eat meat, but cat biscuits-really?
I had a visit to my GP clinic yesterday morning just for a check up and to get some bloods done to check iron levels etc...it all went well but as soon as I got home I discovered spotting....I managed to stay quite calm....on the outside...but then proceeded to text and email every person I know who has experienced pregnancy to ask if they had ever spotted...as well as email the nurse at the Fertility clinic, phone my GP to see if they could get my HCG back by the afternoon, oh and posted on every forum I use for reassurance.
I've read enough info to know that spotting is common in pregnancy...but all of that flew out the window when I actually experienced it!
But our HCG came back absolutely fine...still on track, and we have another BT on Friday to check again, but it has completely stopped so I feel like everything is dandy again.
I was so determined to be cool&calm in these first few weeks with my favourite pair of fetching 'Positive Peggy Pants' on (pink&yellow polka dots, pleated high waist, oh and side tassels-for goodness sake don't forget the side tassels) and yesterday certainly gave me a fright, but maybe it's what I needed to snap out of it.
I woke up this morning and really did feel positive again, even without my Peggy Pants. I bought a Pregnancy magazine, had some acupuncture today, and also found a midwife!
The first midwife we wanted to use will be on holiday in January, so she recommended a colleague who is English, absolutely lovely, and her name is Patsy.( you know things are good when you have a midwife called Patsy)I just knew when I spoke to her on the phone that she would be wonderful, and I might have been sold when she said she thought IVF babies were EXTRA special! And yes of course all babies are special but I thought it was sweet she said that to us to make us feel good!
No major preggy symptoms yet except extreme tiredness, oh and my sense of smell has gone a little wacky.....I swear the cat's biscuits smelled JUST like hot chips tonight...maybe my body is telling me I need to eat meat, but cat biscuits-really?
Sunday, May 1, 2011
A Good Rise
Well it's been a strange few days full of ups and downs and emotions all over the place.
Firstly we had our second HCG Blood test on Saturday which came back at 2084-the nurse said it was a great rise so we were very relieved and happy, every little bit of good news is like a celebration all over again and a reminder that this is really happening! We also have our first scan booked for the 24th May, I will be 8 weeks, and it's a week before my birthday, so what a lovely birthday present it will be to see a healthy scan and heartbeat.
But as for the emotions-the night before our 2nd Blood Test we had dinner at my parents house as we were going to watch the Royal Wedding together. Mum was telling me about a pregnancy book that they used to have back in her day and how wonderful it is, when all of a sudden my lower lip took on a life of it's own and started quivering like a 2year old and my eyes welled up with tears and I proceeded to have a little crying fit on the couch while mum consoled me with tissues and knowing looks....ENTER HORMONES.
I think the last few days had taken it's toll a little, I have so much joy but so much fear that it will be taken away from me at the same time. After my cry and our second HCG test though I have felt much better and I know that I'm doing everything I can to make sure this is a healthy pregnancy, and that's all I can do...I just have to trust in this little bean inside me that it's growing and thriving and that I will get to see it for the first time in 3 weeks.
So I'm just trying to 'settle in' and enjoy the pregnancy ride, I feel exhausted but it's a nice tired feeling at the moment-I like knowing that it's something that comes with pregnancy and I'm enjoying actually listening to my body and taking myself off for nana-naps whenever I need to.
No Morning sickness yet but I've been told it often doesn't kick in until around 6 weeks...I've also been told that a high HCG level usually goes hand in hand with MS!
I've also decided to officially ban myself from google and DH is trying to monitor this....I have absolutely scared myself silly about so many things already, the main one being Toxoplasmosis, as we own a cat...suddenly I'm looking at her a lot more suspiciously and she's been banned from the bed the poor darling. I know it's an irrational fear, and you have more chance of getting toxoplasmosis from undercooked meat, but seeing as I don't eat meat I figure cats are the gateway for me....so I'm getting a BT to rule out that I don't already have it. Please don't judge me on this as I know it's ridiculous but I can be a little obsessive compulsive about these things sometimes and it will weigh on my mind until I have ruled it out!
5 weeks tomorrow!!
Firstly we had our second HCG Blood test on Saturday which came back at 2084-the nurse said it was a great rise so we were very relieved and happy, every little bit of good news is like a celebration all over again and a reminder that this is really happening! We also have our first scan booked for the 24th May, I will be 8 weeks, and it's a week before my birthday, so what a lovely birthday present it will be to see a healthy scan and heartbeat.
But as for the emotions-the night before our 2nd Blood Test we had dinner at my parents house as we were going to watch the Royal Wedding together. Mum was telling me about a pregnancy book that they used to have back in her day and how wonderful it is, when all of a sudden my lower lip took on a life of it's own and started quivering like a 2year old and my eyes welled up with tears and I proceeded to have a little crying fit on the couch while mum consoled me with tissues and knowing looks....ENTER HORMONES.
I think the last few days had taken it's toll a little, I have so much joy but so much fear that it will be taken away from me at the same time. After my cry and our second HCG test though I have felt much better and I know that I'm doing everything I can to make sure this is a healthy pregnancy, and that's all I can do...I just have to trust in this little bean inside me that it's growing and thriving and that I will get to see it for the first time in 3 weeks.
So I'm just trying to 'settle in' and enjoy the pregnancy ride, I feel exhausted but it's a nice tired feeling at the moment-I like knowing that it's something that comes with pregnancy and I'm enjoying actually listening to my body and taking myself off for nana-naps whenever I need to.
No Morning sickness yet but I've been told it often doesn't kick in until around 6 weeks...I've also been told that a high HCG level usually goes hand in hand with MS!
I've also decided to officially ban myself from google and DH is trying to monitor this....I have absolutely scared myself silly about so many things already, the main one being Toxoplasmosis, as we own a cat...suddenly I'm looking at her a lot more suspiciously and she's been banned from the bed the poor darling. I know it's an irrational fear, and you have more chance of getting toxoplasmosis from undercooked meat, but seeing as I don't eat meat I figure cats are the gateway for me....so I'm getting a BT to rule out that I don't already have it. Please don't judge me on this as I know it's ridiculous but I can be a little obsessive compulsive about these things sometimes and it will weigh on my mind until I have ruled it out!
5 weeks tomorrow!!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Getting excited
So you're pregnant after IF.
NOW WHAT?
Hmmm let me see, obsessive underwear checking stopped?Nope still doing that.
Anxious waits for Blood tests over?...nooope, still doing that too.
Chucked away the pessaries and drugs? hmm nope still taking those!
But it's all different now even with those things continuing on, there's a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, we're having a baby!
That first day we found out, although I was beside myself with joy, I also had feelings of guilt. I've heard people talk about survivors guilt and I didn't think it was something you felt straight away, but I did.
I'm just going to talk about it very openly here and I'm not meaning to offend anyone in any way, but that first day of texting and telling people was peppered with feelings of sadness because I knew that our news was so amazing for us, but possibly upsetting for others. We had a couple of wonderful friends who had recently had very upsetting news and although they were so loving and genuine in their congratulations, we still felt so guilty that it wasn't happening to them.
After all I know too well how much someone's happy news can also be a trigger for your own sadness, and I guess that's where being newly pregnant after IF is tricky, because you aren't one of those completely oblivious fertile myrtles that we all love to hate at times, instead you've done the IF hard yards and you know the gut wrenching feelings that go with it.
So I found it hard to really revel in the excitement of it straight away.
But then I spoke to my wonderfully wise friend about how I was feeling, who made a point that struck a chord.....this may be the only chance we get to experience this.
IF doesn't just go away and who knows if we will be lucky enough to fall pregnant again? This might be our one and only chance to enjoy pregnancy and having a child, and everything that comes with it. And with that in mind, I have started to enjoy it.
It doesn't mean I'm sailing off into pregnancy la-la land , completely oblivious to my friends who are still on the IF train, I'm cheering you all on from the side lines with flags waving and my pom poms....pomming?
And I'm there for you still 100%. But I can also completely understand that you may not always want to read my posts and that's okay too!
So I am suddenly feeling huge excitement at the journey to come. It's still a little nervewracking, my next HCG blood test is on Saturday, and then I guess they will schedule a 6-7 week scan for me at the clinic. I know it's still such early days but G and I have decided to just enjoy every part of it (well as much as we can!) and not fret about things that may not even eventuate.
We have told parents and brothers and sisters so far,and my best friend. And there is already a 'Favourite Aunty' competition looming between my sisters. This will be the first baby in my family although G is the youngest of 6, so he has quite a few nieces and nephews.
And this weekend after our 2nd blood test comes back okay we decided to go out and buy our first baby item together, we aren't superstitious about things like that and we just thought it would be a special way to celebrate the news together.
Although we already received our first baby present yesterday and I hope you don't mind but I just have to share it with you. It's from my best friend who went straight out and bought it after she heard our news-she reads my blog so this is what she chose.....
I cried when she gave it to me and can't stop getting it out of the bag and looking at it.Our first baby Giraffe item!
NOW WHAT?
Hmmm let me see, obsessive underwear checking stopped?Nope still doing that.
Anxious waits for Blood tests over?...nooope, still doing that too.
Chucked away the pessaries and drugs? hmm nope still taking those!
But it's all different now even with those things continuing on, there's a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, we're having a baby!
That first day we found out, although I was beside myself with joy, I also had feelings of guilt. I've heard people talk about survivors guilt and I didn't think it was something you felt straight away, but I did.
I'm just going to talk about it very openly here and I'm not meaning to offend anyone in any way, but that first day of texting and telling people was peppered with feelings of sadness because I knew that our news was so amazing for us, but possibly upsetting for others. We had a couple of wonderful friends who had recently had very upsetting news and although they were so loving and genuine in their congratulations, we still felt so guilty that it wasn't happening to them.
After all I know too well how much someone's happy news can also be a trigger for your own sadness, and I guess that's where being newly pregnant after IF is tricky, because you aren't one of those completely oblivious fertile myrtles that we all love to hate at times, instead you've done the IF hard yards and you know the gut wrenching feelings that go with it.
So I found it hard to really revel in the excitement of it straight away.
But then I spoke to my wonderfully wise friend about how I was feeling, who made a point that struck a chord.....this may be the only chance we get to experience this.
IF doesn't just go away and who knows if we will be lucky enough to fall pregnant again? This might be our one and only chance to enjoy pregnancy and having a child, and everything that comes with it. And with that in mind, I have started to enjoy it.
It doesn't mean I'm sailing off into pregnancy la-la land , completely oblivious to my friends who are still on the IF train, I'm cheering you all on from the side lines with flags waving and my pom poms....pomming?
And I'm there for you still 100%. But I can also completely understand that you may not always want to read my posts and that's okay too!
So I am suddenly feeling huge excitement at the journey to come. It's still a little nervewracking, my next HCG blood test is on Saturday, and then I guess they will schedule a 6-7 week scan for me at the clinic. I know it's still such early days but G and I have decided to just enjoy every part of it (well as much as we can!) and not fret about things that may not even eventuate.
We have told parents and brothers and sisters so far,and my best friend. And there is already a 'Favourite Aunty' competition looming between my sisters. This will be the first baby in my family although G is the youngest of 6, so he has quite a few nieces and nephews.
And this weekend after our 2nd blood test comes back okay we decided to go out and buy our first baby item together, we aren't superstitious about things like that and we just thought it would be a special way to celebrate the news together.
Although we already received our first baby present yesterday and I hope you don't mind but I just have to share it with you. It's from my best friend who went straight out and bought it after she heard our news-she reads my blog so this is what she chose.....
I cried when she gave it to me and can't stop getting it out of the bag and looking at it.Our first baby Giraffe item!
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