Big G and I are off to a wedding this Saturday for 2 schoolfriends of his who we haven't seen for a long time.
We were talking in the car yesterday on the way home from the clinic, about people who ask us when/if we are trying to have a baby, and what we should say to them.
This came up because he has been doing summer work with a mate from his course, who he had actually mentioned to ages ago, that we were trying to get pregnant-before we found out there was a problem.
He was talking to this guy a few days ago, asking him about his own 2 kids, and of course the inevitable question came up about how we were getting on, so big G tried to brush it off by saying we were still trying but just taking it as it comes etc.
The friend then asked if big G was worried it was taking so long...to which big G replied 'no'....hmmm how any sane person can not be worried that it's taking almost 2 years to get pregnant is beyond me...but that was his answer and I know he just didn't want to talk about it-especially to another guy.Fair enough..
So back to the wedding, I warned him that it's pretty much a given that we will be asked when we are going to have children, there are friends there that we haven't seen for years, but who were at our own wedding, and have also have children themselves since then...I'm not so much bothered if we get asked, it's a natural question and not meant to be hurtful.
BUT I really hate lying to people and pretending that either we are either career driven (not very convincing seeing as I have sold my business and only work part time now) and waiting for another few years, or that children haven't even crossed our minds yet after 3 years of marriage, or whatever other excuse we can come up with.
I know that big G thinks our fertility troubles are no-one else's business but ours, I feel that way myself at the moment, but I said to him yesterday, lets just be honest and say 'we would love to have children soon' and let them draw their own conclusions from that. And hopefully no more questions follow.
One thing we have agreed on though with our FET is that we aren't going to tell anyone any times or dates about what's happening...except for my blog readers and forum friends.
My mum was quite involved in the first part of our IVF cycle, she's a nurse and so she did a few of my blood tests and things...but I found I just got frustrated with her attempts to put a positive spin on everything "oh well, so you have to wait for a FET, it's only another few months and you get to enjoy Christmas"
And being a nurse she gets the results of our tests through our fertility clinic as they're forwarded on to our GP, so recently when big G had a sperm analysis done, and we didn't want to talk about the results with anyone, she mentioned them a few weeks later, saying how it was disappointing that the count had gone down "but isn't it great that the motility has gone from 7% to 30%". Okay...could our personal life be any more invaded?And that's so unfair on big G to have his mother in law knowing such personal details.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mum to bits and in fairness she was a huge help with organising our inital tests and things when we first started investigating, but I decided this time around I will be asking our clinic NOT to forward anything on to our GP, and also I'll be getting all of my blood tests done at a different lab.
This is our own personal journey and I feel like we need to do this without anyone else's opinions or positive spins now - it's up to us to draw our own positive spins on issues, or, if we feel like it, we have the right to feel like sh*t without someone telling us it's all okay when it's not.
And under normal circumstances if we were trying to concieve naturally, would we really be telling people-
"Oh by the way, friend/family member/stranger, we had sex last night, I was ovulating so we should find out whether we made a baby in approximately 2 weeks...how about you txt me on the day to see if I have my period or not"
So apart from you guys knowing, we are determined to do this FET on our own!
Anyway this post totally went off on a tangent but I feel good for having let it all out...my fingers are bloody sore now from my furious 2 finger typing, must learn to type properly some day....
I hate weddings, lol well actually I love weddings but I hate how at weddings you get asked that question constantly, and by complete strangers no less! We were at a wedding last Sat and i'm not drinking cos we are in the middle of a cycle so everyone assumes that i'm preggers and starts clucking at me. I just remember thinking, could this be any more uncomfortable?!?! Having your mum so involved must have been hard and great all at the same time, we are also keeping it all to ourselves, but I am a super private person so don't think I could handle someone else being so involved.
ReplyDeleteGlad you are feeling better after having a rant!
Well said. I think I'm going to steal ANOTHER one of your points :-) and when it comes up one time about what we're up to, I'll say "we just like to keep it private. It's not like A and B rang to tell us when A was ovulating and they didn't ring us when they tested or when A got her period (which wouldn't happen as A would get pg first month they tried)" and see what they say to that. We are lucky though in that everyone knows we're trying as everyone knows about our mc's so most of the time they just say nothing. Although I do get from family and friends "you are still trying aren't you?" They must think it's been so long surely we've given up by now. Maybe I'll have to start saying "trying? No way, we gave that up 2 years ago" :-) Luv Tan
ReplyDeletelol, I love the way people ask if we are still trying. I just turn around and tell them that yes, the Mr. and I are still having sex... i mean seriously, private much?
ReplyDeletehaha yes-totally get that one too, you feel like saying "nah,we don't want kids anymore so we stopped" or, "no we decided we'd rather save for a swimming pool"
ReplyDeleteIt kind of goes without saying doesn't it!?
Best luck with the deflections at the wedding. Are you still in party mode and can drink there? If not, shove a cushion up your dress and when they ask if you are preg, say no. That will stump them..
ReplyDeleteOh I so get this. Even now that we have our BFP, DH and I go back and forth about how open to be about what we went through. It's SO personal. When people ask me, I did and do give annoying answers that are meant to say MYOB. When are you having kids - Hopefully soon. Do you want kids? Yes. What are you waiting for? I'm not waiting.
ReplyDelete