The Advent calendar for Infertiles

Someone suggested I elaborate on the Infertility Advent Calendar idea so I have...feel free to suggest any more ideas for certain days!

The Infertility Advent Calendar :  when tiny chocolates just aren't enough

Day 1:  This first window is covered in padding as naturally you will want to throw a few punches at it before opening. Inside,wine...a cask of course. How convenient to have a tap for ease of pouring it straight down your throat while lying on the couch.
And a pair of earmuffs to block out the torrent of pregnancy announcements that naturally pour in on the first day of your period - a hammer to smash your cellphone may also do the trick.

Day 2: A new pair of underwear as you have ruined the ones you're wearing with your Day 2-justleakedthroughasupertamponandmaternitypad-bleeding. More wine and a pack of super tampons that actually ARE super.

Day 5: A bra in a smaller size to encase your shrunken post AF boobs, a bottle of ClearEyes to hide the effects of the last 4 days of crying, and a gym membership as you've decided if you cannot be pregnant this month, you will use this time to workout....just like you did last month....uh huh....

Day 7: A giant bottle of preseed and a plate of oysters. It's time to get back on the bike baby-you know that sex on Day 7 is unlikely to result in a baby as you're pretty sure the sperm don't last 5 minutes let alone 5 days, but hey, old habits die hard.

Day 14: A box of No-Doze and a deliciously strong Flat White. All this banging is taking it's toll so you need something to keep you going so you're not lying there like a dead starfish. Plus this is the last day you will allow yourself to have coffee before it becomes bad for the baby you will surely be growing in there.

Day 20: A bottle of fizzy grape juice, and a champagne flute so you can PRETEND you are drinking wine at your birthday, and a boxing glove so you can punch a wall when it turns out you COULD have been drinking wine at your birthday after all.

Day 24: A huge econo pack of TP-24 rolls, bleached perfectly white for easy viewing, and none of this toilet-paper-print-trickery bullshit.'Is that a tiny spot of implantation bleeding?Nope- just a little picture of a kitty on my toilet paper"

Day 25: A headtorch and a monacle for even closer inspection of the toilet paper to see if there is any sign of implantation.

Day 26: A book of baby names as you are feeling quite confident, and a bigger bra even though you don't actually need it, you are convinced your breasts are bigger. Or maybe they're just bruised from all the prodding.

Day 27: A pair of squishy Stress-Balls to squeeze instead of your poor boobies.

Day 28: D-day. maternity clothes and the number for your fertility clinic as you will surely be phoning them to inform them you won't be needing that FET after all.

Day 29: Your period still hasn't arrived but your advent calendar has run out of days so you have to improvise....a loudspeaker to announce your pregnancy to all and sundry and a pregnancy test to confirm what is so plainly obvious to you.

Day 30: A big rock to hide under, a massive fucking bar of chocolate, a crate of wine and a funnel, and a new computer keyboard as you have short-circuited your one while bawling over all of your friend's baby photos on facebook.

Day 31: A big box of Progynova pills, an assortment of pessaries, and a voucher for a Brazilian-you're going to be needing it.